my prayer list.

Prayer list.

Praise God for things instead of treating him like a vending machine. Make it a convo. Not a wish list.

I thank God for.

I thank him for giving me Les. I thank him for giving me the family he did. I thank him for my nutty friends. I thank him that I`m alive. I thank him for hope. I thank you for rest. I thank you for hugs. I thank you for cuddling I thank you for Laura I thank you for girl talk. I thank you for my past, my present and future. I thank you for the sunlight. I thank you for crying. I thank you for music. I thank you for church. I thank you for being you a forgiving God. I thank you for me. I thank you for sight sound and touch. I thank you for you letter to me. I thank you for the cross. I thank you for the pain you went thru for me. I thank you for your love. Thank  you for emotions.

1.     Dallas

2.     Jenny

3.     Luke

4.     Ashlea

5.     Jesse .O

6.     Jesse. B

7.     Zach

8.     Campbell’s

9.     Jessica

10.Sandra

11.Steph

12.Brothers & sisters

13.    Parents

14.Future family.

15.Grace

16.Adam

17.Campers

18.Sunday school kids

19.UGM  kids

20.Future LDPS and staff.

21.Kids I babysit.

22.Beth

23.    Alex

24.Stephinie green

25.Amie perry

26.John clinch

27.The different youth groups

28.City church

29.Maples

30. Christian and non Christian artists

31.    Les

32.    April

33.    Chrissy

34.    Laura Joe & baby J

35.    Buck Chrissie & jojo & Ryan

36.Mike

37.Lavon

38.    Les’s parents

39.    Chelsea

40.    Sydney

41.Brandy

My dearest Dallas J sept. 11.

You’ve been amazing and wonderful, always there for me...you were the best to counsel with. Never stop growing in God because hopefully you never see this....becouse well that means I’m dead....lol ok ok I know it’s not funny. You see right now I feel like my life might not be much longer with all the sickness and what not I don’t know what's going on. So even though I’m sure I’ll be around for a long time. Just in case I never get the guts to say the things I want to tell you. This is my last requests....let things go.... let your anger at your dad at Ashlea or who ever your getting angry at at this moment. It’s reduculus and your letting it get in the way of your walk with God. You can not grow in Christ if you can not forgive other. God was the altamit forgiver. Yes yes I know how can I be preachy even if I’m dead lol I know I know not funny.... but then again why not laugh I’m with my father who’ve I’ve been waiting to meet forever. Remember how excited I was when I was doing that devo on how God has a personal nickname for each one of us, well I got mine now J Love you so much like more then you understand. Please keep growing in Christ. J

Hey jenni

I could go on and on about you. I could say what every one says that your strong and beautiful and smart, and push past every challenge but what I want to tell you is this. a lesson I at the time I’m writing this message am still learning. And that is to learn to be served. I go so foucus on different kids on helping every were I could telling kids about Gods love for them...but I got so busy with the church that I forgot God!! Make time for  Him always you can not give what your not getting so please take time for your self your not super girl you can’t save the world that Gods job. So please learn to slow down. Take time in His word grow learn He has amazing things in store for you but hows He going to use you to teach others if your not Growing ? love you lots jenni and take care of dallas for me tell her to stop working so much! Love you so much J

Hey luke

We actually haven’t talked all that much at this point which is weird because your dating one of my best friends....by the way you hurt her and I’ll hurt you when you get up here! That a promise!  You got your self a great girl and I know this is going to sound silly but this summer when dallas was telling me how you started praying together that is when I finally really liked you as dallas’s boyfriend. Make God the center of your life and your relationship. You can have all the blessings of people of the world but with out Gods blessing on your relationship your in for a rocky road.  Take good care of each other. Your both amazing and I hope someday you get married.

I KNOW WHAT EVERY ONES THINKING! EVEN WHEN SHE’S DEAD SHE NEVER SHUTS UP! What can I say I’m my daddys girl!

Ashlea

Hey camper! Lol still the best week ever I loved being able to boss you around during youth week. I wish we had more talks. Your awesome I can tell Gods going to do great things in your life I know it. Don’t let what people say get you down. Don’t gaurd your heart to much. It’s special  yes and you shouldn’t let any guy or any one really in that doesn’t diserve it. But also don’t let your heart be harded by what people say. Your you not them so they can live there life you live yours follow God with a passion don’t have a comfortable relationship with Him. Have a passionate love affaire with the maker of your world and you. It’s not JUST a friendship it’s so much more then that!

Jesse .O

You helped me thru a lot. Even when we didn’t see each other for years you still took time to care. Which I really apreateate your one of the strongest Christians I know at our age. It’s been amazing getting to know you. I hope you worked at camp a few times. Pray about it. I know you would be challenged there. But it would be a good place to grow. I’m saddened that I won’t be here to see you rock this generation. But I know in full confedence that you will. J you’ve been like a brother to me. thanks  for every thing... for keeping me alive.

Jesse B

Hey jesse you were annoying as heck summer 2009 BUT! In 2010 you really changed how I though of you. You grew a lot and I saw you change in your habits and your love of Christ. Seeing you as a one on one was amazing. You were so good. Please do me a favour and continue the growth after all the campers are gone I know it’s hard in the real world and your family doesn’t make it easy for you but there family what can I say they drive you nuts!

Zach

Zach going to school with you was well ok honestly I don’t really remember much of school. But I do remember working at camp with you. And your off to a really amazing start in your walk with God you’ve had your challanges but honestly you’ll face more bigger ones to come the only way we get thru them is with the grace of God. Keep on reading His word and really dig into it not just read it and forget it. But aply it to your life on a daily basise.

Jessica

You are amazing I really love you. We never really had that many serious talks but I hope that changed before I died. Because I know you have a lot to say and so do I. We were best friends growing up every Sunday at church....you with your coffee at 10 gez your were the most out going person I know. I know you care about people a lot and I know you have love for God. Your going to quietly shake this world. I know it.....ok maybe not so quietly...your a pretty loud person at times :P but that what I love about you! Love you lots!

Sandra

Our friendship has been filled with drama some legit some just well yea but I was always there for you no matter what. I care about you more then you could ever imagin your my et my sister and my twin. You mean a lot to me. we’ve had a lot of crying moments and a lot of fun ones. One last thing I have to say to you my e.t. when it’s hard to be real with your self and others, know this. that God is the one person you can’t lie to the I’m fine lie is seen thru and all the fake walls you put up are nothing to God. He see’s you for who you are your real drama your real problems what's really bugging your heart. I remember when I was going thru a lot  of crap I told you some of that yea they were all legit stuff that I was going thru but what was the main hurt in my life was I wanted some one to trust and to see thru all the fakeness and still find value in me. and the only person who can do that 100% is God. He knows the real you the legit struggles and the ones we put on. God will be your altumit comfort He wants to hold you in His arms and never let God. He’s your heavenly father who wants to hold his child. You are very loved.

Steph

Gah you drive me crazy most of the time! It’s been an honor to have arguments with you :P no but seriously I enjoyed every discussion we had. I encourage you to grow in Christ I know I know your tired of hearing it. But one last time... you need to make God an all year deal not just the summer. Your awesome and your so under attack if you believe it or not. I know you are. God has big plans for you in your life.  LIKE BIG BIG BIG PLANS! Not even kidding! Satans trying to stop you. Don’t let him. Ever get to you. I love you lots. And I hope you find some one who argues with you as much as I do. Or did....  take care of Sandra ok? I know you guys fight a lot but still your sisters. So get over what ever gets in the way.

Johanna

The last year has been the best. Even though it was one of my hardest years of my life. In every way shape and form. The fact that you and I are talking on a regular basis, that we talked about dating and boys and marriage and weddings. Crap now I’m crying. Johanna you have a lot of infulance over this family. I wish I wasn’t such a brat growing up it really messed up our friendship... I know I drove you nuts....I drove every one nuts. Lol but the truth is that I don’t care about the years I wasted because haveing the one or two good talks we’ve had was worth it. I think God has really big plans in your life ( I know I know I said that to a lot of people what can I say God but some movers and shakers in my paths) if you just let go of what you want for what God wants!! It’s hard but so worth it. So one thing I have to ask you is this. don’t let winona grow up to fast. Please I know it’s not your job to take care of winona but she needs a big sister and heaven knows I was a sucky sister most of the time. I really hope I got to see your wedding J I’m sure it was beautiful and way more then you and adam could afford. :P but thats to be expect of you, no offence you always sucked at hadleing money :P I miss you lots and love you. I know I’ve never said that before but I do love you. A lot.

Adam

Hey adam I’m still just getting to know you. At this moment.  I’m sure I’ll be alive for a long long time after this letter is written but you never know when your going to die. So this is my way of making sure I get a chance to say...you better take care of my sister or I’ll kill you! Ok well I guess that’s beyond my control right now... Jeremy I hope you do my job for me! lol I’m sure you’ll take good care of my sister. I can tell you really care about her. Take good care of each other...good luck with her...she’ll drive you nuts she’s the most cranky person in the morning and gets weird at night... like really weird... she looks pretty all the time even when she just rolled out of bed... but you need to tell her lots because I’m not there to tell when she asks every 5 seconds if her hair is nice and her cloths are worth the money....oh yea another thing you going to be so broke.... just sayen! Like really really broke!  She spends so much money!!!! Lol I love her. So be good to each other. Becoouse as annoying as she is... she’s my big sister and I only got one!

Jeremy & grace

Hey Jeremy your creepy most of the times you smile to much and your always happy! Not fair! Ok ok time to be serious I guess ok well that time we talked in saint luios. Well it meant a lot to me. it really helped. I never told you that. but it did. So you really going to marry grace huh? Well I hope I was there for it I’m sure it was cheesey beyond all means. And amazingly sweet. You guys are so very cute J and I can tell your honouring God which is so cool....even if you do go a little extream...really your not going to kiss her till your married? That nuts! I hope Les kisses me before were married! That’s so long!!! But I really respect you guys for doing things slow. You’ve been an amazing brother. Take care of the rest of the family. And bug them for me. not like I need to tell you to! You bug them any ways!  But yea. Grace you’ve been a joy to get to know this past little while, now that I’m dating Les I get why getting to know the family is so special. It’s been a joy to get to know you. And I really hope you and my brother are happy together.  And I know my family is over welming at best. But I know that they love you. And I really hope adjusting to us isn’t to hard. J love you both.

William

You by far are the biggest softie ever. I know you knew that I was going thru a hard time and the fact that even though it drove me to insanity you came down to my room every night to just talk and drive me nuts. I know that your way of telling me you loved me. I love you lots William. Like so much! I know you have some things to over come like the Nielsen anger you know what I’m talking about every one in the family has it! But I’m so proud of you and how you’ve been opening up to people. Some thing I have a hard time with. You know have such leadership skills Austin follows your example set a good one ok’? respect mom and dad I know it’s easy to get your way in the house and rule the house. But mom and dad diserve respect because there are parents. And that enough...it’s hard to a lot of the time but I know you can. I hope I lived long enough to see you get married... I know you will some day. Don’t lie you know you want to. I love you lots. Grow in Christ keep up with camp and maybe try mine once? Just sayen.

Winona

Your such a teenager! Ok I had to say it one last time. Winona joy your growing up to fast quit it! Seriously! Enjoy being young you have your whole life to be a grown up. You put to much pressure on your self and how you look. Your so pretty so stop trying to be are you trying to get guys to like you! Gez winona give the poor guys a break! No but seriously winona please don’t make the guys look at you the wrong way. Please please don’t. I really don’t want guy looking at you with lust in there hearts. Ever. You way to pretty for the worlds good. Like really. Your making it hard for guys not to ask you out! Any way enough with the guy talk you know I love you. I know I was a jerk a lot of the times. Like a lot of the time. But I really was trying. I tried so hard. I have a short temper and I’m sorry for all the times I got angry. But you remember when  I drove you nuts when we shared a room and rembember how I fought so hard to keep shareing the room with you. It wasn’t the room I wanted It was you I wanted to be a good big sister and be there for you. I wanted to beat up any one who hurt you. I wanted to take your side in every argument even when your wrong. I wanted to be the one you come to for every thing. I know I messed up a lot. I drove you nuts. Most of the time.  But I hope you know how much I love you. I really love you. Please keep praying and reading your bible even when it seems boring keep trying. Never give up.

Austin

Hey buddy I know I was really mean to you lots. I’m sorry . like really mean. I’m sorry . so sorry. I know how hard you took every thing I said. And I said a lot that I wish I didn’t. So please forgive me. you have such a soft heart and were a lot alike we hate to see people cry and we always need to help. And I loved watching you always teaching the kids who came over things on the computer or wii or any thing really you have a lot of leadership ability so use it. God gave it to you. Also Austin don’t be scared to try new stuff you should try going to school or some thing. Also keep growing in God I know you have such a loving heart for God and it’s cool really cool to see how Gods going to use you. Love you so much never let what other people say bring you down or hurt you. Or stop you from growing in Christ. Give every thing you go thru to God. He`s the only one who will make you feel better. Some girl is going to be very lucky to have you way way way in the future! Like way in the future Austin do you under stand no flirting with girls inless your going to datethem!! Your going to be such a heart breaker when your older I know it. Sigh can`t wait to see that! love you lots.

End of camp lesson...trust

So camps over has been for over a week. It’s been a really hard summer the hardest yet, full of scary moments and hard lessons. I'm not sure where this note is going I feel like I have something to say but don't know what it is. Umm... well over the summer God's taught me a lot about trust. He had to bring me to my knees to do this.



  When I started getting sick at camp and passing out... I had to trust that my co-cabin leader could handle it when I had to rest. And of course they could because there amazing! I wanted to be with the kids doing my job I hated laying there resting while I could hear arguments break out... and always be solved but I wanted to do it all. I actually felt guilty that I was sick... as if I could control it.



But I got past that and realized I wasn't super woman and actually needed rest and doctors!! *GASP!* lol but that was by far the smallest thing when it came to trust. I learned or am learning that I need people... I can't handle everything on my own. I really learned to open up tell what’s bothering me. Share what’s going on. This may sound small to some of you but is a big big deal to me. I have the thought process of my problems are mine not to weigh down other people. But I've learned that opening up and actually saying what’s on my mind... well it's a much healthier way of dealing with stress then I have in the past a lot less blowing up and a lot less arguments.



but the biggest thing I learned about trust this summer was to trust God trust Him to kick old habits trust Him to do things I don't want to...like this note not really wanting the whole FB world to know what’s going on in my heart... oh small story ok so youth week which is the last week of camp... well any way second night into youth week I had a nice little convo with God and it went something like this....

Me: hey God thanks for this that blah blah blah I want this thank you for that ECT...

 God: Krista...

Me: yea God?

God: I want you to tell you testimony to these girls...

Me: ok cool sounds good!

God: you know what I mean the whole thing every part of it.

Me; um....well no I don't really want to I'll tell most of it!

God: your choice but the girls will open up to you more if you tell it.

Me: couldn't I...

God: nope just do it!


so I told my testimony the whole thing....I hated it the whole time I was like don't want them to know these things about me I don't think I looked up once. I just sat there talking fiddling with a box. Turning it over and over. To be honest I don't remember what I said. But when I was done as usual the girls had nothing to say. We went brushed our teeth and went to bed...and I felt like crap I started doubting if I should have done it. If my campers who are also my friends will have any less respect for me. And the next day went normally for the most part Intel about lunch. When God started to pull the string of my camper’s hearts and they began to open up... I spent the last 3 days of camp spending one on one time with the girls. I would have serious talk after serious talk. And again I really don't remember what I said it was all God. The last few days I spent a lot of time crying because every hard thing I've gone thru everything that’s brought me down. Was now bringing down campers around me. And it was hard to see them going thru the things that I did. But I realized that if I would have had some easy breezy life were nothing ever happened I would have had nothing to offer these girls. Doing God’s will always pays off.

well this wasn't were I was going with this but it's where I ended up... so one last thing I was thinking of once a week or so putting up a devo on here people could comment and stuff just a thought...

were like Coke and Pepsi were so the same yet people say were diffrent.

when I came to camp dating was way way out of the question.... I was here to work and be an example to the kids. i was here for God and to learn. But it seems God had more then that in mind....He broke me....I was done with life I told myself that by the end of the summer if i didn't feel like i mattered and unloved then i would end my life. I've had these sort of thoughts for years.... but never did any thing about it because I knew it would kill my family.... well God sent me some one. some one wonderful.
 
     I know for those who aren't Christians reading this, this will be hard to understand but I feel like God could be calling me to marry him one day. we both have things were working through so dating won't work for a while, but that God would let me meet him makes me very happy. to have some one you can be 100% real with is amazing. to have some one that cares about you is unbelievable. to have some one who's smart and funny and natural to be around. to have some one that having serious conversations with is natural and so is fooling around and "arguing" about whats better coke or Pepsi....


       He's an amazing guy who like me has over come so much. way more then I have. I know how selfish I sound because all I've said is how he makes me feel. but he is....very handsome and easy going... way more of a softie then he'll admit.... I usually don't notice looks like not at all! but he caught my eye. he gives me butterfly's every time I see him....other guys I've liked it all felt wrong....but being with him feels like every things perfect....or as  close to perfect as this world can get.


      when i went home for a week every one could tell i was so much happier then before...my campers are noticing my family is my friends are.....I am! but I still sound selfish don't I.... I'm not sure what it is about him that draws me in and makes me feel safe..... it could be that he's strong but I don't think so... I think a large part of it is were so alike in so many ways that it's hard for me to compliment him because I have a hard time liking the things about me...but I like them in him! i don`t know....he`s charming...and old fashioned....and a very smooth talker....he`s very real and I trust him. He`s very handsome....and likes to bug people....he makes me laugh so hard at the smallest things.... I still say stupid things ....I still fail at most things I try.... still can`t keep my temper....still suck at talking about how I feel.... I still fumble every sentence....still fumble things in general...I trip fall faint and still don`t feel stupid when I`m with him. I know again it`s about me...I don`t mean to make it that way...but that's just the best way I can explain how he makes me feel. and what I like about him.

Working at camp.

so it's a few days till camp starts were in training and already God has taught me so much! He showed me how to worship with out caring how others think of me. and to be able to forgive my mom for every thing that we've been angry about. and at like midnight I called my mom to say sorry for 7 years of pure war! I'vee been such a brat! at first it was just my fault I was always wanting to go and argue.... eventually my parents got so used to it that that's all they expected so when I would try so hard not to be a brat they would expect me to so I would... from then on we just kept egging each other on. never forgiving or giving an inch of ground.  I know that by the time I get home in 2 months I'll be a stronger christian and an all together person... but I also know that when I hear my parents talking about how THEY turned me around I'll want to go back to being the same brat I was. but it's not about what my parents think or even what my parents friends think. it's my victory. mine and Gods.

thoughts of suicide.

so I haven't self injured in 7 weeks...and for the most part really don't want to. but I keep getting suicidal thoughts all the time! it's getting worse and worse. I had my first one in 2007 I was 14. but nothing like this before it was like I don't really care about weather I live or die. I don't have to guts to do it but if I did accidentally cut to deep. I wouldn't have tryed to stop the bleeding. now every time I walk into a room I'm reminded how my family would be happier with out me. I know if they read this they would disagree, but the that doesn't matter the truth is I create drama and tension. I know my family would be sad I died for a little bit but they would get over it. I doubt it would take very long. I've seen my family when I'm not around them there much much happier. they get along better they laugh my dad even talks about things that they would care about and not work. the tension level drops down a million points when I leave a room I've tryed to be relaxed around them I've even gone Thu weeks were I do every thing I'm told I don't argue I don't do any thing at all! yet as soon as I walk in the room my mom has her boxing gloves on and is ready to fight! her body litterly tenses up when I walk in... not just hers every ones!

so that's one of my reasons why I shouldn't be here any more. the other is that I drag people down I drain the life out of them. my friend Jesse who's has been my number one supporter and all together an amazing guy. I feel so selfish for having him as a friend. all our relationship is based on is my long list of problems and his very short list. I go to him for every thing and it's not fare! I shouldn't put all that pressure on a friend. and then theres Dallas I completely drag her down. shes been thru all this cutting and what not. and I know she hates to hear about peoples problems repeatedly. she told me herself! we were talking about a mutual friends problem and she expressed how annoying it was. that just about made me cry, that all the time she was making me feel so much better was out of a sense of duty and not because she wanted to help. she's tired of peoples problems dragging her down.

I was thinking of over dosing on tynole or slitting my wrists. some thing not to dramatic and in a way that wouldn't traumatise my family to much. also I have to figure out a way to do it with some one else finding me before my family.

in all honestly I doubt I will go thru with it. I'm a Coward....but the idea is warming up to me and that scares me so much!

a school assignment gotta say sorta proud of it :)

Emily lyes in bed not wanting to open her eyes she knows what she’ll see and she doesn’t want to see it she sees it every morning every evening she knows she’ll never get away from it. She opens her eyes and gets out of bed. Dresses in her best cloths the ones that every one ether has or wants. Puts on her makeup the way every one does. Does her hair up in the latest way. Then faces it. She sees it the mirror always mocking her never giving her the reflection she hoped for.

And she does this every day gets up puts on her cookie cutter cloths loads on buckets of makeup sprays her hair gels her hair moose’s her hair does whatever is needed to get that look that everyone wants. She walks to school and the guys honk as they drive by. Girls give that jealous look and those whispers that are supposed to make her feel pretty. She walks in the doors and it’s like something from an old cinema. Were one girl walks in hair flowing and smiling and all the guys turn to look. Her friends pull up besides her and join in her fake confidence. They stride down the halls and a wave of brain washing ideals flow thru all the young girls minds. Everyone thinks she’s the picture of happiness the goal they need to strive to get to. Mean while Emily herself doesn’t think she’s made it to her own goals. Little do these girls know there is no goal there is know as soon as I get this number on a scale I’ll be happy.

After making her daily appearance in the halls she heads to the bathroom to make sure her fake eye lashes are still in place her perfectly plucked eye brows are all in a row her clothes aren’t wrinkled her makeup didn’t smudge and that she’s still her perfectly fake self. She looks in the mirror for a long time staring at her pores at her pimples at her crocked nose. And all the imperfections of herself she sighs and adds one more fake thing to her face... a smile.

The school bell rings Emily talks and giggles with her friends as she walks out the doors they all get on the bus and Emily remembers that she forgot her cell phone in her locker and runs to get it. “Make sure the bus driver doesn’t leave without me” she says to her friends as she runs inside. After rummaging thru her locker she finds it and runs outside only to find her bus gone. Emily looks up at the sky the clouds are an ugly gray color. She calls her dad but gets the message machine and tells her dad to pick her up as she heads home. As she walks home it starts to rain and Emily fights to keep her sliding makeup in place and her hair upright. She wipes a little makeup here and tugs on her hair there and her arms are getting sore. Her finial lets her hair fall out of place and her makeup run off. She starts crying and for reasons unknown to her praying asking God why he made her so ugly why she has to put on all this makeup to get any attention. As she prays and walks in the rain pouring out her heart to God Gods telling her over and over you’re beautiful this is how I want you this is how you were created to be. Just then her dad pulls up beside her and she gets in soaking wet. Her dad says “wow you look a mess!” jokingly Emily pulls down the visitor and looks in the mirror.  “No I look beautiful and this is how I was created to be” she says as she flips the mirror. And for the first time in a long time she smiled a real smile.

Letter to God. a very long post.

Hey God

I really need you right now! I don’t know why I feel this way... I just want to cry and cry and cry and to be held and comforted and to hear every little thing I need to hear. I have no reason to feel this way today was a good day. It was fun and filled with friends.

   yet I really feel this need to just cry like a baby. I really wish jeremys room wasn’t so close to mine. I wish I still had the whole basement to myself God I really want I don’t really know what I just realy want some thing my heart is screaming for peace or some thing I don’t know what! Love maby? I don’t know but what I do know is God you need to show me what this feeling is!! I really want to be on fire for you. I want to be able to show your love to to every one.  And the reason I’m  not doing this is so stupid God!

   It’s that when I start to act the way you desire for me to... my parents give me this look like “oh we knew you would come around” and it’s the most  annoying thing to me!! this is my victory not theres!! Mine and yours but my parents get this look like we just stuck in there and are such good parents! BUT THERE NOT! I know there better then most. But they really just drive me nuts. Every time I hear them talking to there friends about how they stuck in there with Jeremy and telling other parents to do what they did it makes me want to scream!! They don’t know me at all! they know Johanna and they talk all the time! And they know Jeremy now to and he goes to them for advice. And my dad connects with William with all those science things. Winona and her drawing Austin and his lego and building blocks and stuff.


   There all so much like my parents and even though most of the time they all hate my parents 80% of the time they still have 20% of the time were they get along and laugh and injoy each other. The stress between me and my parents are way to strong to even let our gaurds down or just a second. And really I don’t want to be around them any more I don’t want any thing to do with them any more nothing. I don’t want to see them hear from them nothing! But I do want some one not them but some one. I need some one to talk to who cares. Some one I can go to for advice. I haven’t had any one to take care of me for a long time. Even with my friends it’s hard to let my gaurd down. I try so hard at home not to show any emotions and when I’m with friends I just can’t make my self compleatly comfortable. God I just want to be me to just not care what people think.... I want some one to love me for who I am and not the person I conform to infront of them! God please please send me send me some one to take care of me. I’ll go crazy if I keep this up. God please send me someone I can lean on.


   I honestly think I’lll have a melt down if some thing doesn’t change soon! God I need you so bad! I know you gave me these parents for a reason and you picked us out for each other. And them in my life will make me who I am.  And who I’ll become but God please please just find me some were else to live even for a little bit. I need to hear an adult to say they love me care about me and will take care of me. and notice when I’m hurting and never ever be to busy for me. God please I’m hurting so much I’m so confused I’ve been fakeing happiness and sadness for so long some times I don’t know if I’m really upset of not.  And it scares me! if I don’t understand me no one else ever will! God more then any thing I need an adult to feel comfortable around. Please God send me some one! All the people I have in my life right now ethier know my parents or wouldn’t have a clue what I’m talking about. I need an adult. My friends are great there amazing and thank you so much for giving me them. I would be so messed up with out them. but God I really do need you to send me an adult some one whos been thru this.


   and won’t think I’m being stupid. Some one I won’t feel like I have to defend myself around. I won’t have to prove I’m tough and can take care of my self. Some one I won’t have to show I’m mature and responsible. Some one who will see me as the weak immature iresposible brat who wants some one to just hold her and tell her every things gona be ok. If my parents told me some thing like that I know I would just tell them to shut up... they have no idea what I’ve done or gone thru. What I’ve seen my friends go thru so how on earth could they tell me it’s gona be ok if they never knew what was wrong!! Thats like a blind and deff person telling me that the vase I just droped isn’t broken! That I’m not broken! I am so broken in a million peices I have no Idea how to glue myself together again! I don’t want to pick myself up again. God pick me up make me whole again!


   I know that if you glue a vase back together it never looks the same.. and that’s  ok I can be different from before I need to grow up but I just want to be whole! God please make me whole. I just feel like used damaged goods that all I’m good for now is warning other teens about the stuff I went into. Like printed paper no one needs me as what I was subposed to be the story on my printed paper. But to flipped over and scribbled on the back to say “to hear about a screw up and what not to do flip paper over”. Ok I might be a little sarcastic but who knows this could be the real me! who on earth is the real me!!??? I don’t even know how to be real to myself let alone others!! God this whole long letter is to tell you I need you to send me some one to take care of me. and that I need your help to find out who I really am.