Working at camp.

so it's a few days till camp starts were in training and already God has taught me so much! He showed me how to worship with out caring how others think of me. and to be able to forgive my mom for every thing that we've been angry about. and at like midnight I called my mom to say sorry for 7 years of pure war! I'vee been such a brat! at first it was just my fault I was always wanting to go and argue.... eventually my parents got so used to it that that's all they expected so when I would try so hard not to be a brat they would expect me to so I would... from then on we just kept egging each other on. never forgiving or giving an inch of ground.  I know that by the time I get home in 2 months I'll be a stronger christian and an all together person... but I also know that when I hear my parents talking about how THEY turned me around I'll want to go back to being the same brat I was. but it's not about what my parents think or even what my parents friends think. it's my victory. mine and Gods.

thoughts of suicide.

so I haven't self injured in 7 weeks...and for the most part really don't want to. but I keep getting suicidal thoughts all the time! it's getting worse and worse. I had my first one in 2007 I was 14. but nothing like this before it was like I don't really care about weather I live or die. I don't have to guts to do it but if I did accidentally cut to deep. I wouldn't have tryed to stop the bleeding. now every time I walk into a room I'm reminded how my family would be happier with out me. I know if they read this they would disagree, but the that doesn't matter the truth is I create drama and tension. I know my family would be sad I died for a little bit but they would get over it. I doubt it would take very long. I've seen my family when I'm not around them there much much happier. they get along better they laugh my dad even talks about things that they would care about and not work. the tension level drops down a million points when I leave a room I've tryed to be relaxed around them I've even gone Thu weeks were I do every thing I'm told I don't argue I don't do any thing at all! yet as soon as I walk in the room my mom has her boxing gloves on and is ready to fight! her body litterly tenses up when I walk in... not just hers every ones!

so that's one of my reasons why I shouldn't be here any more. the other is that I drag people down I drain the life out of them. my friend Jesse who's has been my number one supporter and all together an amazing guy. I feel so selfish for having him as a friend. all our relationship is based on is my long list of problems and his very short list. I go to him for every thing and it's not fare! I shouldn't put all that pressure on a friend. and then theres Dallas I completely drag her down. shes been thru all this cutting and what not. and I know she hates to hear about peoples problems repeatedly. she told me herself! we were talking about a mutual friends problem and she expressed how annoying it was. that just about made me cry, that all the time she was making me feel so much better was out of a sense of duty and not because she wanted to help. she's tired of peoples problems dragging her down.

I was thinking of over dosing on tynole or slitting my wrists. some thing not to dramatic and in a way that wouldn't traumatise my family to much. also I have to figure out a way to do it with some one else finding me before my family.

in all honestly I doubt I will go thru with it. I'm a Coward....but the idea is warming up to me and that scares me so much!

a school assignment gotta say sorta proud of it :)

Emily lyes in bed not wanting to open her eyes she knows what she’ll see and she doesn’t want to see it she sees it every morning every evening she knows she’ll never get away from it. She opens her eyes and gets out of bed. Dresses in her best cloths the ones that every one ether has or wants. Puts on her makeup the way every one does. Does her hair up in the latest way. Then faces it. She sees it the mirror always mocking her never giving her the reflection she hoped for.

And she does this every day gets up puts on her cookie cutter cloths loads on buckets of makeup sprays her hair gels her hair moose’s her hair does whatever is needed to get that look that everyone wants. She walks to school and the guys honk as they drive by. Girls give that jealous look and those whispers that are supposed to make her feel pretty. She walks in the doors and it’s like something from an old cinema. Were one girl walks in hair flowing and smiling and all the guys turn to look. Her friends pull up besides her and join in her fake confidence. They stride down the halls and a wave of brain washing ideals flow thru all the young girls minds. Everyone thinks she’s the picture of happiness the goal they need to strive to get to. Mean while Emily herself doesn’t think she’s made it to her own goals. Little do these girls know there is no goal there is know as soon as I get this number on a scale I’ll be happy.

After making her daily appearance in the halls she heads to the bathroom to make sure her fake eye lashes are still in place her perfectly plucked eye brows are all in a row her clothes aren’t wrinkled her makeup didn’t smudge and that she’s still her perfectly fake self. She looks in the mirror for a long time staring at her pores at her pimples at her crocked nose. And all the imperfections of herself she sighs and adds one more fake thing to her face... a smile.

The school bell rings Emily talks and giggles with her friends as she walks out the doors they all get on the bus and Emily remembers that she forgot her cell phone in her locker and runs to get it. “Make sure the bus driver doesn’t leave without me” she says to her friends as she runs inside. After rummaging thru her locker she finds it and runs outside only to find her bus gone. Emily looks up at the sky the clouds are an ugly gray color. She calls her dad but gets the message machine and tells her dad to pick her up as she heads home. As she walks home it starts to rain and Emily fights to keep her sliding makeup in place and her hair upright. She wipes a little makeup here and tugs on her hair there and her arms are getting sore. Her finial lets her hair fall out of place and her makeup run off. She starts crying and for reasons unknown to her praying asking God why he made her so ugly why she has to put on all this makeup to get any attention. As she prays and walks in the rain pouring out her heart to God Gods telling her over and over you’re beautiful this is how I want you this is how you were created to be. Just then her dad pulls up beside her and she gets in soaking wet. Her dad says “wow you look a mess!” jokingly Emily pulls down the visitor and looks in the mirror.  “No I look beautiful and this is how I was created to be” she says as she flips the mirror. And for the first time in a long time she smiled a real smile.

Letter to God. a very long post.

Hey God

I really need you right now! I don’t know why I feel this way... I just want to cry and cry and cry and to be held and comforted and to hear every little thing I need to hear. I have no reason to feel this way today was a good day. It was fun and filled with friends.

   yet I really feel this need to just cry like a baby. I really wish jeremys room wasn’t so close to mine. I wish I still had the whole basement to myself God I really want I don’t really know what I just realy want some thing my heart is screaming for peace or some thing I don’t know what! Love maby? I don’t know but what I do know is God you need to show me what this feeling is!! I really want to be on fire for you. I want to be able to show your love to to every one.  And the reason I’m  not doing this is so stupid God!

   It’s that when I start to act the way you desire for me to... my parents give me this look like “oh we knew you would come around” and it’s the most  annoying thing to me!! this is my victory not theres!! Mine and yours but my parents get this look like we just stuck in there and are such good parents! BUT THERE NOT! I know there better then most. But they really just drive me nuts. Every time I hear them talking to there friends about how they stuck in there with Jeremy and telling other parents to do what they did it makes me want to scream!! They don’t know me at all! they know Johanna and they talk all the time! And they know Jeremy now to and he goes to them for advice. And my dad connects with William with all those science things. Winona and her drawing Austin and his lego and building blocks and stuff.


   There all so much like my parents and even though most of the time they all hate my parents 80% of the time they still have 20% of the time were they get along and laugh and injoy each other. The stress between me and my parents are way to strong to even let our gaurds down or just a second. And really I don’t want to be around them any more I don’t want any thing to do with them any more nothing. I don’t want to see them hear from them nothing! But I do want some one not them but some one. I need some one to talk to who cares. Some one I can go to for advice. I haven’t had any one to take care of me for a long time. Even with my friends it’s hard to let my gaurd down. I try so hard at home not to show any emotions and when I’m with friends I just can’t make my self compleatly comfortable. God I just want to be me to just not care what people think.... I want some one to love me for who I am and not the person I conform to infront of them! God please please send me send me some one to take care of me. I’ll go crazy if I keep this up. God please send me someone I can lean on.


   I honestly think I’lll have a melt down if some thing doesn’t change soon! God I need you so bad! I know you gave me these parents for a reason and you picked us out for each other. And them in my life will make me who I am.  And who I’ll become but God please please just find me some were else to live even for a little bit. I need to hear an adult to say they love me care about me and will take care of me. and notice when I’m hurting and never ever be to busy for me. God please I’m hurting so much I’m so confused I’ve been fakeing happiness and sadness for so long some times I don’t know if I’m really upset of not.  And it scares me! if I don’t understand me no one else ever will! God more then any thing I need an adult to feel comfortable around. Please God send me some one! All the people I have in my life right now ethier know my parents or wouldn’t have a clue what I’m talking about. I need an adult. My friends are great there amazing and thank you so much for giving me them. I would be so messed up with out them. but God I really do need you to send me an adult some one whos been thru this.


   and won’t think I’m being stupid. Some one I won’t feel like I have to defend myself around. I won’t have to prove I’m tough and can take care of my self. Some one I won’t have to show I’m mature and responsible. Some one who will see me as the weak immature iresposible brat who wants some one to just hold her and tell her every things gona be ok. If my parents told me some thing like that I know I would just tell them to shut up... they have no idea what I’ve done or gone thru. What I’ve seen my friends go thru so how on earth could they tell me it’s gona be ok if they never knew what was wrong!! Thats like a blind and deff person telling me that the vase I just droped isn’t broken! That I’m not broken! I am so broken in a million peices I have no Idea how to glue myself together again! I don’t want to pick myself up again. God pick me up make me whole again!


   I know that if you glue a vase back together it never looks the same.. and that’s  ok I can be different from before I need to grow up but I just want to be whole! God please make me whole. I just feel like used damaged goods that all I’m good for now is warning other teens about the stuff I went into. Like printed paper no one needs me as what I was subposed to be the story on my printed paper. But to flipped over and scribbled on the back to say “to hear about a screw up and what not to do flip paper over”. Ok I might be a little sarcastic but who knows this could be the real me! who on earth is the real me!!??? I don’t even know how to be real to myself let alone others!! God this whole long letter is to tell you I need you to send me some one to take care of me. and that I need your help to find out who I really am.

My letter to Kj-52

this is the letter I sent to a christian rapper. I don't know if I'll get a reply but I'm just glad I could right out what i was feeling and know some one might read it. and pray for me. I know I started cutting to get attention but i think it's alot more to me now. it's a way to make sure I'm loved if i feel a friend slipping away I cut and tell them and were super close agian. or if I'm feeling really upset but it doesn't really makes sence why I'm upset I'll cut and it's like ok now I'm in pain I can feel so i have a reason to be upset. this is why I'm upset and then push the real reason away. and some times I think I cut becouse I need to calm down and cutting = crying which calms me down. and some times I just diserve to bleed. simple as that.

Hey my names _____ I`m 17 I don’t know why I’m writing this to you. I don’t even know if I’ll end up sending this but I felt the need to tell you that your song fan mail has really spoken to me. From age 13 till 16 I was addicted to porn. I was so young when I found it I didn’t even know what it was called...but I knew enough to know that it was wrong...I didn’t tell anyone about it till I was over it I stopped all my self it was hard but now that seems like nothing. For almost a year now I’ve been cutting and ever since I started I wanted to stop. But it’s the only way I feel loved now... I have good parent’s good home life. Good friends. I was never raped abused or in any way given an excuse to feel this way... but I do and I really want to want to live. But I don’t. I’m too scared of death to actually kill myself but I sleep with a blade tied agents my wrist so if it cuts me in the middle of the night I won’t panic and try to stop the bleeding. I over dosed on tynole so many times hoping to die in my sleep. I have no reason to want to die and I feel so selfish and stupid for feeling this way but it`s how I`ve felt since 2007. My parents have no clue I haven`t exactly been hiding it... even my little brother has found out I cut. I don`t know why I`m bothering you with this. it`s my problem not yours or any one else’s to care about. I guess I`m not expecting a reply you must get a lot of fan mail I`m just hoping that you`ll see this and pray for me. Even if it`s just a fleeting God help her and move on to the next letter every prayer helps right? I don`t want to die. I just want to be happy again without trying or faking. I`m so tired of always getting thru things on my own. I just feel so broken down I can`t do this anymore. Again I know this is depressing stuff to hear honestly I`m not looking for attention or anything but I am looking for prayer...hopefully one day you`ll come up to Winnipeg and I can thank you for your prayers in person. Thanks for the hope you have in all your songs.

If I let you stay....promise to never leave.....

are you ready for the honost truth? my biggest fear? I've been very honost with you guys (ok so I have one follower) but any way my biggest fear is this. I'll fall crazy in love with this guy he'll hold me love me for who i am and I would know every thing about him. then I tell him all my faults.....EVERYTHING! and he'll stay yepp he'll stay only becosue he feels like i depend on him to much to leave. or just as bad is that he would get really creaped out at the pastors kid he thought he fell in love with.... I know I would need a really patient guy to deal with me and all my faults. I know that those guys are out there that would fall in love with me. I'm not that selfish though. I know a guy who fell for me even if it was real love. would have to much to deal with, dateing is subposed to be fun. not filled with stupid drama. I have a guy friend who I know would take care of me if I let him. but as much as I want him as much as I want to be taken care of. to just be held and let mysef cry in his arms. and feel no shame but how selfish i would be to let him have any feelings for me when it's so clear that it would be a one sided friendship.

This guy I've stupidly fallen for is amazing he's on fire for God. he's amazing guitarist, he's a good lisener, gives amazing advice and lifts me up every time I'm down..... I've done nothing for him and he's done every thing for me. with out him i would never try. I wouldn't bother to try. I know God should be my reason to get better so that I can serve Him. but it's not which is why I'm fasting from friends for a week or so..... to show God that He's more important then friends.

I am a fake!

you see this girl? the one in the pretty dress? yeah her, she's a fake. aphony a pethetic mess. she says she cuts becouse shes hurting. the truth is she cuts becouse she knows shes hurting and can handle that fine. but wants the whole world to know shes hurting to. she a fake. when she cuts her arm and the blood runs down her arm shes not thinking about the pain shes not thinking about the frusteration the anger the hurt shes thinking about how she will get the sympathy from her friends when she tells them she messed up! shes can handle the anger she doesn' need to cut. she cuts becouse she feels like she needs a reason to tell her friends why shes upset. being upset isn't enough on it's own she needs the scars on her arms to give her reason to be upset. She has no reason to be upset her parents are happily married her dads a fricken pastor her mom tryed to keep them away from the world and home schooled her. she never smoked never drank never ever did drugs. yet she had so much anger so much hate she didn't know how to tell people she was hurting. she felt like she had no reason to cry so she would make one up. she would give herself real pain so it would all make sence. so her body would feel what her heart did.