My letter to Kj-52

this is the letter I sent to a christian rapper. I don't know if I'll get a reply but I'm just glad I could right out what i was feeling and know some one might read it. and pray for me. I know I started cutting to get attention but i think it's alot more to me now. it's a way to make sure I'm loved if i feel a friend slipping away I cut and tell them and were super close agian. or if I'm feeling really upset but it doesn't really makes sence why I'm upset I'll cut and it's like ok now I'm in pain I can feel so i have a reason to be upset. this is why I'm upset and then push the real reason away. and some times I think I cut becouse I need to calm down and cutting = crying which calms me down. and some times I just diserve to bleed. simple as that.

Hey my names _____ I`m 17 I don’t know why I’m writing this to you. I don’t even know if I’ll end up sending this but I felt the need to tell you that your song fan mail has really spoken to me. From age 13 till 16 I was addicted to porn. I was so young when I found it I didn’t even know what it was called...but I knew enough to know that it was wrong...I didn’t tell anyone about it till I was over it I stopped all my self it was hard but now that seems like nothing. For almost a year now I’ve been cutting and ever since I started I wanted to stop. But it’s the only way I feel loved now... I have good parent’s good home life. Good friends. I was never raped abused or in any way given an excuse to feel this way... but I do and I really want to want to live. But I don’t. I’m too scared of death to actually kill myself but I sleep with a blade tied agents my wrist so if it cuts me in the middle of the night I won’t panic and try to stop the bleeding. I over dosed on tynole so many times hoping to die in my sleep. I have no reason to want to die and I feel so selfish and stupid for feeling this way but it`s how I`ve felt since 2007. My parents have no clue I haven`t exactly been hiding it... even my little brother has found out I cut. I don`t know why I`m bothering you with this. it`s my problem not yours or any one else’s to care about. I guess I`m not expecting a reply you must get a lot of fan mail I`m just hoping that you`ll see this and pray for me. Even if it`s just a fleeting God help her and move on to the next letter every prayer helps right? I don`t want to die. I just want to be happy again without trying or faking. I`m so tired of always getting thru things on my own. I just feel so broken down I can`t do this anymore. Again I know this is depressing stuff to hear honestly I`m not looking for attention or anything but I am looking for prayer...hopefully one day you`ll come up to Winnipeg and I can thank you for your prayers in person. Thanks for the hope you have in all your songs.

If I let you stay....promise to never leave.....

are you ready for the honost truth? my biggest fear? I've been very honost with you guys (ok so I have one follower) but any way my biggest fear is this. I'll fall crazy in love with this guy he'll hold me love me for who i am and I would know every thing about him. then I tell him all my faults.....EVERYTHING! and he'll stay yepp he'll stay only becosue he feels like i depend on him to much to leave. or just as bad is that he would get really creaped out at the pastors kid he thought he fell in love with.... I know I would need a really patient guy to deal with me and all my faults. I know that those guys are out there that would fall in love with me. I'm not that selfish though. I know a guy who fell for me even if it was real love. would have to much to deal with, dateing is subposed to be fun. not filled with stupid drama. I have a guy friend who I know would take care of me if I let him. but as much as I want him as much as I want to be taken care of. to just be held and let mysef cry in his arms. and feel no shame but how selfish i would be to let him have any feelings for me when it's so clear that it would be a one sided friendship.

This guy I've stupidly fallen for is amazing he's on fire for God. he's amazing guitarist, he's a good lisener, gives amazing advice and lifts me up every time I'm down..... I've done nothing for him and he's done every thing for me. with out him i would never try. I wouldn't bother to try. I know God should be my reason to get better so that I can serve Him. but it's not which is why I'm fasting from friends for a week or so..... to show God that He's more important then friends.

I am a fake!

you see this girl? the one in the pretty dress? yeah her, she's a fake. aphony a pethetic mess. she says she cuts becouse shes hurting. the truth is she cuts becouse she knows shes hurting and can handle that fine. but wants the whole world to know shes hurting to. she a fake. when she cuts her arm and the blood runs down her arm shes not thinking about the pain shes not thinking about the frusteration the anger the hurt shes thinking about how she will get the sympathy from her friends when she tells them she messed up! shes can handle the anger she doesn' need to cut. she cuts becouse she feels like she needs a reason to tell her friends why shes upset. being upset isn't enough on it's own she needs the scars on her arms to give her reason to be upset. She has no reason to be upset her parents are happily married her dads a fricken pastor her mom tryed to keep them away from the world and home schooled her. she never smoked never drank never ever did drugs. yet she had so much anger so much hate she didn't know how to tell people she was hurting. she felt like she had no reason to cry so she would make one up. she would give herself real pain so it would all make sence. so her body would feel what her heart did.

I want to feel safe.

getting it right

Get it right.

verse 1

Death is invading my thoughts

Its grip is getting stronger

Their hand grasps my throat.

I’m choking gasping for a breath

Just one more breath!

I promise not to mess up again!

Just one more try

I will get it right.

course

Its grasp is loosened

The body drops to the floor

One last chance death growls

I promise I won’t fail

Jesus heals me!

Verse 2

2 weeks later she cries all alone

She reaches for what’s known

Her blade the deceitful friend

As her fears flow out

Her white dress stained red.

Death comes to her again.

course

Its grasp is loosened

The body drops to the floor

One last chance death growls

I promise I won’t fail

Jesus heals me!

Verse 3

One more time I will get this right!

She takes out her blade.

She puts it to her arms

Her face covered in tears

As the black makeup runs down her face

She takes her blade her lying friend.

All that she knows her comfort

And lays it down...

She lays it down at the cross

It’s covered in blood

Blood that’s not hers

She looks up at the face of God.

course

Its grasp is loosened

Her body drops to the floor

One million chances God whispers

I promise I won’t fail.

Jesus healed me.

Verse 4

Jesus my comfort

My Honest friend

My all.

He knows me better then I do.

Are we friends?

Are we really friends?

I mean just friends?

How could you know every thing about me

And still just be friends....

You know my every thought

The good the bad the ugly.

How could we just be friends

After all you’ve done for me.

You know my pain.

I know yours

How are we still only friends?

Do my faults scare you?

Yours don’t scare me.

Maby one day we will be together

But for now I’m proud to be your friend

And to share in your troubles.

Do you feel the same about me?

I AM NOT BROKEN! just a little beaten down.

Are parents tell us we have a lot to learn.

I’ve seen way more then they know.

I’m no stranger to the faults of this world.

I’m one of them.

Theres nothing hidden from the young any more

It’s on t.v it’s in the songs that reply in our minds.

We see it in schools in our friends

We see it on the bus at the park.

This world is bruised and broken.

People are ready to give up.

I’m ready to give up.

We need to be saved!

Who will save the the bruised and broken

The hurt

The ones who are despresatly looking for a reason...

To keep breathing....

Whos gona save the people like me?

If I get better, stronger, if I lift my self out....

Could I be the one to give the others a hand up?

Is that my reason to keep breathing?

Is that why I’m going thru this?

God will you tell me?

I need a reason to keep my head above water

I need a reason not to make myself bleed.

HADASSAH is who i am.....

Hadassah

Hadassah is the original way of say ester.

She is a woman who seeks God and is known for her views on not dating as a teen. And she only has these views because she doesn’t want to get hurt, She put others before her and loves her family very much even when it’s hard to tell. She volunteers with i kids loves them so very much. And wishes that she could improve their situations. When she goes to kids club with them the kids always play with her hair and ask her to wear bright nail polish and put up her hair so they can see her pretty face. Even little kids can tell of her beauty. The beauty she doesn’t believe she but believe every one else glows of.

She views herself as damaged goods broken because of the things she’s done to herself. Although she loves to hear her friends say she’s pretty and strong and good. She never shows it....every night she cries and doesn’t know why but her friends do they know that it’s because she doesn’t let herself be loved and she wants to be so bad. She wants someone to protect her so she can stop having to be strong. She wishes every day that someone would save her from her self. she is stronger then she knows.

BECOUSE YOU ARE LOVED

The world tells us we are screwed.

The world tells us were not worth loving.

The world tells us that we broken, used, rubble.

But the truth is that we are broken down

But only to be made new.

We are used and tired

But made new in Christ.

We are reduced to rubble over and over

And every time we fall He builds us up again.

BECAUSE WE ARE LOVED.

some thing I wrote on the ferry

Why

Why do I cut?

Why would some one who wants to be happy make herself bleed?

why can’t I be strong enough?

Why am I waiting for my never coming prince?

Why do I feel the way I feel?

I cut to feel alive.

It makes me numb and not feeling is so much better then this pain.

I am better then this I am stronger then this.

Because I believe in real love.

I feel the way I feel now so to save others when they walk down my path