so I haven't self injured in 7 weeks...and for the most part really don't want to. but I keep getting suicidal thoughts all the time! it's getting worse and worse. I had my first one in 2007 I was 14. but nothing like this before it was like I don't really care about weather I live or die. I don't have to guts to do it but if I did accidentally cut to deep. I wouldn't have tryed to stop the bleeding. now every time I walk into a room I'm reminded how my family would be happier with out me. I know if they read this they would disagree, but the that doesn't matter the truth is I create drama and tension. I know my family would be sad I died for a little bit but they would get over it. I doubt it would take very long. I've seen my family when I'm not around them there much much happier. they get along better they laugh my dad even talks about things that they would care about and not work. the tension level drops down a million points when I leave a room I've tryed to be relaxed around them I've even gone Thu weeks were I do every thing I'm told I don't argue I don't do any thing at all! yet as soon as I walk in the room my mom has her boxing gloves on and is ready to fight! her body litterly tenses up when I walk in... not just hers every ones!
so that's one of my reasons why I shouldn't be here any more. the other is that I drag people down I drain the life out of them. my friend Jesse who's has been my number one supporter and all together an amazing guy. I feel so selfish for having him as a friend. all our relationship is based on is my long list of problems and his very short list. I go to him for every thing and it's not fare! I shouldn't put all that pressure on a friend. and then theres Dallas I completely drag her down. shes been thru all this cutting and what not. and I know she hates to hear about peoples problems repeatedly. she told me herself! we were talking about a mutual friends problem and she expressed how annoying it was. that just about made me cry, that all the time she was making me feel so much better was out of a sense of duty and not because she wanted to help. she's tired of peoples problems dragging her down.
I was thinking of over dosing on tynole or slitting my wrists. some thing not to dramatic and in a way that wouldn't traumatise my family to much. also I have to figure out a way to do it with some one else finding me before my family.
in all honestly I doubt I will go thru with it. I'm a Coward....but the idea is warming up to me and that scares me so much!
2 comments:
darlin' i hope the idea of it scares you... suicide is selfish. it leaves pain behind in it's wake.... everyone wondering why you took your own life...... and i know what you mean about warming up to the idea... i'm over that... but it's a scary thought just please keep on hanging on... look for more help than just your friend TWLOHA really helps a lot find someone even though they may be a stranger to talk to that is older than you... someone who is just out of their teens and will be able to help you move in the right direction.
remember darlin' you're loved even when it doesn't seem like it.
kiki
yeah it was stupid thanks for being honost it is selfish... and dumb. I'm thinking about seeing a shrink when I'm 18 (4 months) that way my parents never have to find out.
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