3 am seems to be the time that all the hurt comes out... sometimes it’s dreams and I wake up crying...sometimes it takes me that long to cool off from a fight that that's when I break down...other times it’s just being over tired. But for some reason 3 am is when I cry.... I hold it in all day...I smile and laugh and am genuinely happy....but when I crawl into bed alone....pull the covers up to my chin and curl up into the smallest ball possible, and try to shut the world out for a few hours....that’s when the worlds pain or my pain pours in...I hate night...I hate being alone....I hate being in a house of 9 people and being alone... I hate how sad I get ....I hate crying... I hate looking at the pictures of camp on my walls....I hate seeing things around my room that have memories... I hate the thoughts that go through my head...I hate the sleeping pills I take to try and get my brain to shut up... I even hate seeing my bible lying on the floor... I hate feeling like I failed God...I hate feeling sad...I hate feeling scared... I hate how much I hate.
I wish my brain would shut up I wish my thoughts would stop going back to my parents I wish my heart could just be happy. I wish my fingers would stop typing I wish my eyes would grow sleepy I wish my head was on the pillow I wish I thought more happy thoughts I wish I was able to sleep in peace. I wish I wasn’t here I wish I could be happy with who I am. I wish that the night was over. I wish I could crawl up into some ones arms and cry unashamed. I wish I was stronger. I wish I was I could make people happy. I wish I could be happy. I wish I would stop being so silly. I wish I could make my parents happy. I wish I never lost friendships I wish I knew my siblings better. I wish I never messed up my family’s life. I wish I didn’t always feel guilty I wish I could have one full day of good thoughts. I wish I was at home in my house. I wish my scars were gone. I wish I could have my wishes come true.
So why the 3 am blues tonight?
I have no fucking idea...yes I swear when it gets late and I don’t care anymore. Well I guess I do have a pretty good idea... I was out with my boyfriend Les and his mom and sister. And the love of their family every time I see it I want to cry... yes they annoy each other and have there quarrels but I’ve never felt so loved and accepted before. I’ve never felt so cared for before. His family is just...wow they blow my mind. I guess there no different from most loving families... I guess it’s just because well I honestly don’t feel loved by my parents. Do I know they love me? Yes do I feel they love me? Absolutely not! My parents have 2 families you see. One is there biological family. Their kids and each other which I know they love to pieces...pieces seems the right word because I feel so broken any ways one family they love very much. And then there second family the church they started. That is there second family their child the one there really proud of. The way I see it most of the people in my family didn’t turn out the way my parents had planned. Were not the well behaved kids they wanted. Do they love us sure...are we what they wanted I don’t think so. So city church is there new kid one that they have 200 chances on. The people in that church really are under my dad’s thumb I mean yes they have their own lives but my dad is very much a big part in their jobs were they buy houses how they raise their kids my dad is honestly a big part of their lives....you should hear the way my dad talks about them...he’s so proud of his new family. I remember going to my dad’s home town when we were younger...and my dad would never shut up about his kids...I mean the way he would brag about us was humiliating. And I would beg my dad to stop. We all did....well we got our way...he stopped. Now you should see how he lights up when he talks about his church.
Is it still cheating when your second family is a church? Is it wrong? Am I offending God by writing this? Am I being over dramatic? I feel so guilty for hating the church...I shouldn’t hate the church it’s not what a good Christian girl is supposed to do!! I’m supposed to serve selflessly. I’m supposed to give it everything I’ve got. Well I got nothing my faith is running dry. I’m drained and I’m tired of being a good Christian. I’m tired of the act my family puts together. I’m tired of being told I’m wrong. I’m tired of being rebuked at every turn. Sometimes I wonder if I serve the same God my parents do. I serve a God of love and faith and peace a God who yes has judgment but doesn’t use it as an empty threat they way my parents made it sound.
I serve a God who's amazing and wonderful and strong and who isn’t a religion but a friendship and to be quite honest I’m done having people tell me how my friendship goes. Maybe I’m blowing things out of proportion there’s a good chance by tomorrow I’ll be calmer...and not care again and slip right back into the Christian pastor’s kid mode. Who smiles and nods. But that's why this is written down so that when I wake up in the morning I’ll see this written down. I’ll see the point I had. I’ll see what I really feel and not what I’ve been trained to feel. And I’ll try to be myself. Not to start the day off with hate or bitterness or to try and figure out how to tear my family apart (despite what my family thinks) I am writing this down so that the Krista Nielsen of 4 in the morning of October 30th will tell the Krista Nielsen of tomorrow to grow a fricken spine. To grow up and stop acting like a child to stop let peoples negative views on you and your actions affect her any more....I’ve written this letter to myself to many times. It’s time to move on and move out of this insane asylum.
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