writers block...maybe. not

I have this urge to write but I don't know what to write...I want to talk about how my family's starting to get along but I'm tired of focusing on them...I want to talk about how I'm terrified about what could be wrong with me..... And the doctor appointments I have.... but all I've been hearing is cancer every day someone brings it up and I'm tired of being scared.... I want to talk about how amazing things are going with Les and I...and how much I love him....but I don't know how to put into words!!! I just ugh! There really are no words for it...I have never felt this way about any one or any thing... I've grown to hate the word love...or more of the way we use it now... like I love chocolate. Or shoes or a good movie really you love it? Because last time I checked love meant forever...love meant a commitment... you’re committed to shoes? People are ridiculous! I'm ridiculous... I say I love things all the time... and now when I say I love you to Les... it frustrates me because I know I can't even let him know just how much I really do love him! I wish there was some super secret word that you saved just for the person you plan on marrying.... something you could say to let them know just how much you really do love them... I guess our society would just ruin that word to just as we ruined love....

Like in some native tribes they had a secret name that they would only tell their loved ones and it was a thing of trust... that they wouldn’t but a hex on them or anything. That they would keep them safe...it kinda reminds me of how God has a secret name for us written on a white stone that we get when we get to heaven...a name he will call us by an name that lets us know we can trust him...


  I find it funny or more frustrating how I'm trying to explain just how much I love Les... to Les...I get all tongue tied and confused..... I attempt at explaining how or why and I can't it drives me insane... Les is much better with words and explaining how he feels then I am... like I can't even explain it to myself!! Just the insanity of feelings I have for him... 
which brings me back to the cancer stuff....I just I'm scared what it will do to us...I'm scared for how it will change us.... I already depend on him to much...and he worry's to much I mean a year ago I honestly wouldn't have cared if I lived or died.... cancer wouldn't have scared me but now....I'm terrified of what it will do to Les... that was the first thing that went through my head when I heard the possibility of it... I will not drag him though that...the thought of breaking up with him KILLS me honestly I feel sick at the thought of it...... but to make him suffer with me seems unfair.....I know if I tried and I said the truth he would say he doesn't care and that he wants to take care of me and I know he does but it's not what’s best for him.... I would have to convince him that I'm a jerk for him to break up with me....but he would know what’s up right away... so I guess the poor guy is stuck with me... for once in my life I'm going to be selfish and just let things go in a natural way.... see where it takes us... for once I won't be in control.... I'll be ok I'm sure it's not cancer....I'll be ok he'll be ok we'll all be ok.....

I hope........