writers block...maybe. not

I have this urge to write but I don't know what to write...I want to talk about how my family's starting to get along but I'm tired of focusing on them...I want to talk about how I'm terrified about what could be wrong with me..... And the doctor appointments I have.... but all I've been hearing is cancer every day someone brings it up and I'm tired of being scared.... I want to talk about how amazing things are going with Les and I...and how much I love him....but I don't know how to put into words!!! I just ugh! There really are no words for it...I have never felt this way about any one or any thing... I've grown to hate the word love...or more of the way we use it now... like I love chocolate. Or shoes or a good movie really you love it? Because last time I checked love meant forever...love meant a commitment... you’re committed to shoes? People are ridiculous! I'm ridiculous... I say I love things all the time... and now when I say I love you to Les... it frustrates me because I know I can't even let him know just how much I really do love him! I wish there was some super secret word that you saved just for the person you plan on marrying.... something you could say to let them know just how much you really do love them... I guess our society would just ruin that word to just as we ruined love....

Like in some native tribes they had a secret name that they would only tell their loved ones and it was a thing of trust... that they wouldn’t but a hex on them or anything. That they would keep them safe...it kinda reminds me of how God has a secret name for us written on a white stone that we get when we get to heaven...a name he will call us by an name that lets us know we can trust him...


  I find it funny or more frustrating how I'm trying to explain just how much I love Les... to Les...I get all tongue tied and confused..... I attempt at explaining how or why and I can't it drives me insane... Les is much better with words and explaining how he feels then I am... like I can't even explain it to myself!! Just the insanity of feelings I have for him... 
which brings me back to the cancer stuff....I just I'm scared what it will do to us...I'm scared for how it will change us.... I already depend on him to much...and he worry's to much I mean a year ago I honestly wouldn't have cared if I lived or died.... cancer wouldn't have scared me but now....I'm terrified of what it will do to Les... that was the first thing that went through my head when I heard the possibility of it... I will not drag him though that...the thought of breaking up with him KILLS me honestly I feel sick at the thought of it...... but to make him suffer with me seems unfair.....I know if I tried and I said the truth he would say he doesn't care and that he wants to take care of me and I know he does but it's not what’s best for him.... I would have to convince him that I'm a jerk for him to break up with me....but he would know what’s up right away... so I guess the poor guy is stuck with me... for once in my life I'm going to be selfish and just let things go in a natural way.... see where it takes us... for once I won't be in control.... I'll be ok I'm sure it's not cancer....I'll be ok he'll be ok we'll all be ok.....

I hope........

My Birthday week...movin?

Birthday week has turned into an interesting turn of events....les first bought me tickets to mama mia dinner theater and concert tickets that was Sunday then today he picked me up and told me we were going some were fancy....we went to a&w :P well he said we were going to the finniest dinning in Winnipeg... any ways earlier that day he told me that his parents called and had something to say. Turns out they want me to move in with them....in dauphin.....which is 4 and a half hours away! I love his parents and if they lived in Winnipeg there would be no hesitation.... but 4 hours away from friends from les....from my family....that so far.... Les and his mom both think that my parents don’t take good enough care of me... I think I made my family sound really bad....there really not that bad I mean do they notice when I’m sick no but I get what I need....sorta.... I don’t know....maybe I should move but I don’t want to I finally found a church family I love and feel loved by... and les... and winona William and Austin.... I mean I have friends but were really not that close... I don’t know what to do.... I think I should stay in Winnipeg...  but  I would love to escape my parents like I’ve dreamed of for so long... and I do  love small towns...and his parents are amazing! And it would probably do les and I some good to spend some time apart considering were getting a little to comfortable...like today we took a nap and he was only in his boxers...and I didn’t have a problem with it. I should have but I didn’t. I think I’ll stay in Winnipeg and after Christmas move into my own apartment.... tomorrow his mom is calling to talk me into it... I want to give in so bad... but I can’t I shouldn’t grr...  if only they lived in Winnipeg!

Wishful hate.

    3 am seems to be the time that all the hurt comes out... sometimes it’s dreams and I wake up crying...sometimes it takes me that long to cool off from a fight that that's when I break down...other times it’s just being over tired. But for some reason 3 am is when I cry.... I hold it in all day...I smile and laugh and am genuinely happy....but when I crawl into bed alone....pull the covers up to my chin and curl up into the smallest ball possible, and try to shut the world out for a few hours....that’s when the worlds pain or my pain pours in...I hate night...I hate being alone....I hate being in a house of 9 people and being alone... I hate how sad I get ....I hate crying... I hate looking at the pictures of camp on my walls....I hate seeing things around my room that have memories... I hate the thoughts that go through my head...I hate the sleeping pills I take to try and get my brain to shut up... I even hate seeing my bible lying on the floor... I hate feeling like I failed God...I hate feeling sad...I hate feeling scared... I hate how much I hate.

   I wish my brain would shut up I wish my thoughts would stop going back to my parents I wish my heart could just be happy.  I wish my fingers would stop typing I wish my eyes would grow sleepy I wish my head was on the pillow I wish I thought more happy thoughts  I wish I was able to sleep in peace. I wish I wasn’t here I wish I could be happy with who I am. I wish that the night was over. I wish I could crawl up into some ones arms and cry unashamed. I wish I was stronger. I wish I was I could make people happy. I wish I could be happy. I wish I would stop being so silly. I wish I could make my parents happy. I wish I never lost friendships I wish I knew my siblings better. I wish I never messed up my family’s life. I wish I didn’t always feel guilty I wish I could have one full day of good thoughts. I wish I was at home in my house. I wish my scars were gone. I wish I could have my wishes come true.

So why the 3 am blues tonight?

    

    I have no fucking idea...yes I swear when it gets late and I don’t care anymore.  Well I guess I do have a pretty good idea... I was out with my boyfriend Les and his mom and sister. And the love of their family every time I see it I want to cry... yes they annoy each other and have there quarrels but I’ve never felt so loved and accepted before. I’ve never felt so cared for before. His family is just...wow they blow my mind. I guess there no different from most loving families... I guess it’s just because well I honestly don’t feel loved by my parents. Do I know they love me? Yes do I feel they love me? Absolutely not! My parents have 2 families you see. One is there biological family. Their kids and each other which I know they love to pieces...pieces seems the right word because I feel so broken any ways one family they love very much. And then there second family the church they started. That is there second family their child the one there really proud of. The way I see it most of the people in my family didn’t turn out the way my parents had planned.  Were not the well behaved kids they wanted. Do they love us sure...are we what they wanted I don’t think so. So city church is there new kid one that they have 200 chances on. The people in that church really are under my dad’s thumb I mean yes they have their own lives but my dad is very much a big part in their jobs were they buy houses how they raise their kids my dad is honestly a big part of their lives....you should hear the way my dad talks about them...he’s so proud of his new family. I remember going to my dad’s home town when we were younger...and my dad would never shut up about his kids...I mean the way he would brag about us was humiliating. And I would beg my dad to stop. We all did....well we got our way...he stopped. Now you should see how he lights up when he talks about his church. 

  

     Is it still cheating when your second family is a church? Is it wrong? Am I offending God by writing this? Am I being over dramatic? I feel so guilty for hating the church...I shouldn’t hate the church it’s not what a good Christian girl is supposed to do!! I’m supposed to serve selflessly. I’m supposed to give it everything I’ve got. Well I got nothing my faith is running dry. I’m drained and I’m tired of being a good Christian. I’m tired of the act my family puts together. I’m tired of being told I’m wrong. I’m tired of being rebuked at every turn. Sometimes I wonder if I serve the same God my parents do. I serve a God of love and faith and peace a God who yes has judgment but doesn’t use it as an empty threat they way my parents made it sound.

        I serve a God who's amazing and wonderful and strong and who isn’t a religion but a friendship and to be quite honest I’m done having people tell me how my friendship goes. Maybe I’m blowing things out of proportion there’s a good chance by tomorrow I’ll be calmer...and not care again and slip right back into the Christian pastor’s kid mode. Who smiles and nods. But that's why this is written down so that when I wake up in the morning I’ll see this written down. I’ll see the point I had. I’ll see what I really feel and not what I’ve been trained to feel. And I’ll try to be myself. Not to start the day off with hate or bitterness or to try and figure out how to tear my family apart (despite what my family thinks) I am writing this down so that the Krista Nielsen of 4 in the morning of October 30^th will tell the Krista Nielsen of tomorrow to grow a fricken spine. To grow up and stop acting like a child to stop let peoples negative views on you and your actions affect her any more....I’ve written this letter to myself to many times. It’s time to move on and move out of this insane asylum.

April- one of my campers who's been having a hard time.

I Love this guy

REAL.

She wakes up bloody and bruised.

Her head still pounding...

She looks around the bare apartment.

She struggles to stand glass cutting her as she does.

It all slowly comes back to her.

The fight the screaming the anger.

Last night she prettied herself up.

She did everything she could to hide the scars.

She stared at herself in the mirror.

She studied herself in the mirror.

She looked at her face with the up turned nose

She looked at her legs with too much fat.

She looked at her eyes that were the wrong color.

She looked at her arms cover with cuts.

Cuts to remind her of all the times she felt ugly.

All the times she felt upset.

 All the times the only way her pain made since was to make it real pain.

Real pain. Real bleeding. Real hurt.

the armour of God.

The armor of God

When we put on the amour of god our threat's are real. Satan is for real scared when we have God on our side. Warriors we have a different way of acting and talking then civilians when an army man makes a threat you know that he can and will fallow through. Because he has the training and he has the equipment. When we are trained it the way God wants us to be. With the Armour of God we go into battle to accomplish a goal that's what prayer is. Prayer is birth control not just the morning after pill.

Prayer is a constant convo. A warrior knows that. Colossians 4:2  not boring payer but powerful prayer. Pray for a open door to speak out. Speak them out load to. So God can bring opportunity. When you pray like you mean it. Thing can go from words to physical things. It can changed the attitude and atmosphere of a situation. If you have no courage in your life you begin to pray and you will be brave. Warriors make plans on maps were going to do these thing they speak it out and in weeks and months plans come together because we planned with god.  The offense and the defense. If you have no faith you pray to be given some. A warrior knows the cause it fights for. Pray that the words would come and be bold. When in your in battle you fight with fierceness and boldness. Are you going to go to the trenches for god or only there for the good times. Every knee will bow. Every thing has to bow all temptation gone. KNOW THE NAME YOUR FIGHTING FOR.  They never leave a person behind  even a dead one. One phone call away is the president/God. When our resource's our out we an call on God.  We won’t fight for the wrong name. When we call for help we need  to call the commander in chief. No more sitting back and taking it we will open our mouths and get into this.