My letter to Kj-52

this is the letter I sent to a christian rapper. I don't know if I'll get a reply but I'm just glad I could right out what i was feeling and know some one might read it. and pray for me. I know I started cutting to get attention but i think it's alot more to me now. it's a way to make sure I'm loved if i feel a friend slipping away I cut and tell them and were super close agian. or if I'm feeling really upset but it doesn't really makes sence why I'm upset I'll cut and it's like ok now I'm in pain I can feel so i have a reason to be upset. this is why I'm upset and then push the real reason away. and some times I think I cut becouse I need to calm down and cutting = crying which calms me down. and some times I just diserve to bleed. simple as that.

Hey my names _____ I`m 17 I don’t know why I’m writing this to you. I don’t even know if I’ll end up sending this but I felt the need to tell you that your song fan mail has really spoken to me. From age 13 till 16 I was addicted to porn. I was so young when I found it I didn’t even know what it was called...but I knew enough to know that it was wrong...I didn’t tell anyone about it till I was over it I stopped all my self it was hard but now that seems like nothing. For almost a year now I’ve been cutting and ever since I started I wanted to stop. But it’s the only way I feel loved now... I have good parent’s good home life. Good friends. I was never raped abused or in any way given an excuse to feel this way... but I do and I really want to want to live. But I don’t. I’m too scared of death to actually kill myself but I sleep with a blade tied agents my wrist so if it cuts me in the middle of the night I won’t panic and try to stop the bleeding. I over dosed on tynole so many times hoping to die in my sleep. I have no reason to want to die and I feel so selfish and stupid for feeling this way but it`s how I`ve felt since 2007. My parents have no clue I haven`t exactly been hiding it... even my little brother has found out I cut. I don`t know why I`m bothering you with this. it`s my problem not yours or any one else’s to care about. I guess I`m not expecting a reply you must get a lot of fan mail I`m just hoping that you`ll see this and pray for me. Even if it`s just a fleeting God help her and move on to the next letter every prayer helps right? I don`t want to die. I just want to be happy again without trying or faking. I`m so tired of always getting thru things on my own. I just feel so broken down I can`t do this anymore. Again I know this is depressing stuff to hear honestly I`m not looking for attention or anything but I am looking for prayer...hopefully one day you`ll come up to Winnipeg and I can thank you for your prayers in person. Thanks for the hope you have in all your songs.