April- one of my campers who's been having a hard time.

I Love this guy

REAL.

She wakes up bloody and bruised.

Her head still pounding...

She looks around the bare apartment.

She struggles to stand glass cutting her as she does.

It all slowly comes back to her.

The fight the screaming the anger.

Last night she prettied herself up.

She did everything she could to hide the scars.

She stared at herself in the mirror.

She studied herself in the mirror.

She looked at her face with the up turned nose

She looked at her legs with too much fat.

She looked at her eyes that were the wrong color.

She looked at her arms cover with cuts.

Cuts to remind her of all the times she felt ugly.

All the times she felt upset.

 All the times the only way her pain made since was to make it real pain.

Real pain. Real bleeding. Real hurt.

the armour of God.

The armor of God

When we put on the amour of god our threat's are real. Satan is for real scared when we have God on our side. Warriors we have a different way of acting and talking then civilians when an army man makes a threat you know that he can and will fallow through. Because he has the training and he has the equipment. When we are trained it the way God wants us to be. With the Armour of God we go into battle to accomplish a goal that's what prayer is. Prayer is birth control not just the morning after pill.

Prayer is a constant convo. A warrior knows that. Colossians 4:2  not boring payer but powerful prayer. Pray for a open door to speak out. Speak them out load to. So God can bring opportunity. When you pray like you mean it. Thing can go from words to physical things. It can changed the attitude and atmosphere of a situation. If you have no courage in your life you begin to pray and you will be brave. Warriors make plans on maps were going to do these thing they speak it out and in weeks and months plans come together because we planned with god.  The offense and the defense. If you have no faith you pray to be given some. A warrior knows the cause it fights for. Pray that the words would come and be bold. When in your in battle you fight with fierceness and boldness. Are you going to go to the trenches for god or only there for the good times. Every knee will bow. Every thing has to bow all temptation gone. KNOW THE NAME YOUR FIGHTING FOR.  They never leave a person behind  even a dead one. One phone call away is the president/God. When our resource's our out we an call on God.  We won’t fight for the wrong name. When we call for help we need  to call the commander in chief. No more sitting back and taking it we will open our mouths and get into this.

started as a prayer list ended up being what my last words would be.

 

Prayer list.

Praise God for things instead of treating him like a vending machine. Make it a convo. Not a wish list.

I thank God for.

I thank him for giving me Les. I thank him for giving me the family he did. I thank him for my nutty friends. I thank him that I`m alive. I thank him for hope. I thank you for rest. I thank you for hugs. I thank you for cuddleing I thank you for laura I thank you for girl talk. I thank you for my past, my present and future. I thank you for the sunlight. I thank you for crying. I thank you for music. I thank you for church. I thank you for being you a forgiving God. I thank you for me. I thank you for sight sound and touch. I thank you for your letter to me. I thank you for the cross. I thank you for the pain you went thru for me. I thank you for your love. Thank  you for emotions. I thank you for  tears. I thank you for life.  Thank you for honesty.

1.     Dallas

2.     Jenny

3.     Luke

4.     Ashlea

5.     Jesse .O

6.     Jesse. B

7.     Zach

8.     Campbell’s

9.     Jessica

10.Sandra

11.Steph

12.Brothers & sisters

13.Parents

14.Future family.

15.Grace

16.Adam

17.Campers

18.Sunday school kids

19.UGM  kids

20.Future LDPS and staff.

21.Kids I babysit.

22.Beth

23.Alex

24.Stephinie green

25.Amie perry

26.John clinch

27.The different youth groups

28.City church

29.Maples

30. Christian and non Christian artists

31.Les

32.April

33.Crissy

34.    Laura Joe & baby J

35.    Buck Chrissie & jojo & Ryan

36.Mike

37.Lavon

38.    Les’s parents

39.    Chelsea

40.    Sydney

41.Brandy

42.    Bekah

Les

My dearist love and the only guy for me forever. There is so much I have to say to you!!!! Were to start? Um well lets see I LOVE YOU.  I hope and pray that some day we got married and grew super old and gross together :P right now we’ve been dating a few weeks and I already have so many good memorys with you. Like our first talk in the staff lounge at camp...when you followed me to the lake at youth week to see if I was alright the drives into the city alone J and that you asked my dad permission to date J J J J.... and when I had such a bad day and you took me out. And the time when curfew came around we were  drivng down the street as slow as possible so that we had more time together. Or parking in back of the garage to kiss before dropping me off (MOM DAD WATCH OUT FOR WHEN WINONA DATES!!...sorry winona.:P) you saved me from myself and although you can’t see it my confedence grew so much in the past few months. You made me realize I had talents and purpose. Right now the fact that your not with me is killing me...wait no I’m dead already lol ok I know it’s really not funny. This must be hard on you...I know if you died I would have a hard time breathing. Let alone living. I know this is selfish ( I told you I was!!) but I hope I died before you...I couldn’t move on...no matter what I really would have died. I hope you move on and become happy again. Please be happy remember what I wrote on your hands ? a smile because you make me smile so much when you smile I can’t be sad when your around! And the heart that I wrote on your hand when we had sling shot together and continued after....that was when I realized I loved you...before we were even dating....but when you told me you loved me in the park. I was beyond happy. I was elated. I know we both had are hard times and we both had our struggles but you made mine so much easier...I doubt I helped you very much when were making out but yea.... lol your amazing and I have some thing to tell you. If  I die before we get married...I have my vows to you...remember that picture you drew for me at camp? The writing underneath is what I have to say to you. Read it but don`t dwell  on it I really do want you to get over me. be happy because if your happy then I am. I loved being wrapped in your arms and when you would give me hugs from behind and say my girl in Italian. The fact that I was yours was enough for me. I never needed another gift after that. to know I was yours and you were mine.  I could write forever really I could. I really hope that you aren`t angry with God about this. God can still do amazing things in your life. And will I love you but your so stubborn some times really just let God use you!  I want you to have my purity ring and my box that has humming birds on it plus the other half of the ring because these were some of my gifts I wanted to give you on our wedding day, along with your sweater. Lol that sweater gave me so much comfort I wore it every day...I loved to sleep in it the most comforting thing to do on a bad day was to talk to you spend a day with you come home read the bible and your notes and wear your sweater. That is a good day to me. to be with you is a good day no matter what's going on. I really want to keep going on this letter but I`m crying now and really should stop.... I love you so much. My hearts breaking just to write this and I  don`t even think that I`ll be leaving for a long time! I just wanted to make sure that if some thing happened you know what I want to say. And this isn`t even half of what I want to say I could write forever. I already have I love you so much Les keep walking with God because He`s the only real hope.

Love your girl

Krista.

My dearest Dallas J sept. 11.

You’ve been amazing and wonderful, always there for me...you were the best to counsel with. Never stop growing in God because hopefully you never see this....becouse well that means I’m dead....lol ok ok I know it’s not funny. You see right now I feel like my life might not be much longer with all the sickness and what not I don’t know what's going on. So even though I’m sure I’ll be around for a long long long time. Just in case I never get the guts to say the things I want to tell you. This is my last requests....let things go.... let your anger at your dad at Ashlea or who ever your getting angry at at this moment. It’s reduculus and your letting it get in the way of your walk with God. You can not grow in Christ if you can not forgive other. God was the altamit forgiver. Yes yes I know how can I be preachy even if I’m dead lol I know I know not funny.... but then again why not laugh I’m with my father who’ve I’ve been waiting to meet forever. Remember how excited I was when I was doing that devo on how God has a personal nickname for each one of us, well I got mine now J Love you so much like more then you understand. Please keep growing in Christ. J enjoy life keep living stop working so much gez really dallas get a life! Lol I love you and your young adult years will not be spent at work! Dallas you and I have been through a lot together and apart... I pray you never have hard times like that again....i pray that you will grow in strength with God. That you will be a worrior in His army. And we are in a war never let your guard down we are in a war agenst satan him self so don`t let the sick twisted little well I guess I shouldn`t use laguange even for him but yea kick his butt don`t let the jerk get you down. J

Hey jenni

I could go on and on about you. I could say what every one says that your strong and beautiful and smart, and push past every challenge but what I want to tell you is this. a lesson I at the time I’m writing this message am still learning. And that is to learn to be served. I go so foucus on different kids on helping every were I could telling kids about Gods love for them...but I got so busy with the church that I forgot God!! Make time for  Him always you can not give what your not getting so please take time for your self your not super girl you can’t save the world that Gods job. So please learn to slow down. Take time in His word grow learn He has amazing things in store for you but hows He going to use you to teach others if your not Growing ? love you lots jenni and take care of dallas for me tell her to stop working so much! Love you so much J

Hey luke

We actually haven’t talked all that much at this point which is weird because your dating one of my best friends....by the way you hurt her and I’ll hurt you when you get up here! That a promise!  You got your self a great girl and I know this is going to sound silly but this summer when dallas was telling me how you started praying together that is when I finally really liked you as dallas’s boyfriend. Make God the center of your life and your relationship. You can have all the blessings of people of the world but with out Gods blessing on your relationship your in for a rocky road.  Take good care of each other. Your both amazing and I hope someday you get married.

I KNOW WHAT EVERY ONES THINKING! EVEN WHEN SHE’S DEAD SHE NEVER SHUTS UP! What can I say I’m my daddys girl!

Ashlea

Hey camper! Lol still the best week ever I loved being able to boss you around during youth week. I wish we had more talks. Your awesome I can tell Gods going to do great things in your life I know it. Don’t let what people say get you down. Don’t gaurd your heart to much. It’s special  yes and you shouldn’t let any guy or any one really in that doesn’t diserve it. But also don’t let your heart be harded by what people say. Your you not them so they can live there life you live yours follow God with a passion don’t have a comfortable relationship with Him. Have a passionate love affaire with the maker of your world and you. It’s not JUST a friendship it’s so much more then that!

Jesse .O

You helped me thru a lot. Even when we didn’t see each other for years you still took time to care. Which I really apreateate your one of the strongest Christians I know at our age. It’s been amazing getting to know you. I hope you worked at camp a few times. Pray about it. I know you would be challenged there. But it would be a good place to grow. I’m saddened that I won’t be here to see you rock this generation. But I know in full confedence that you will. J you’ve been like a brother to me. thanks  for every thing... for keeping me alive.

Jesse B

Hey jesse you were annoying as heck summer 2009 BUT! In 2010 you really changed how I though of you. You grew a lot and I saw you change in your habits and your love of Christ. Seeing you as a one on one was amazing. You were so good. Please do me a favour and continue the growth after all the campers are gone I know it’s hard in the real world and your family doesn’t make it easy for you but there family what can I say they drive you nuts!

Zach

Zach going to school with you was well ok honestly I don’t really remember much of school. But I do remember working at camp with you. And your off to a really amazing start in your walk with God you’ve had your challanges but honestly you’ll face more bigger ones to come the only way we get thru them is with the grace of God. Keep on reading His word and really dig into it not just read it and forget it. But aply it to your life on a daily basise.

Jessica

You are amazing I really love you. We never really had that many serious talks but I hope that changed before I died. Because I know you have a lot to say and so do I. We were best friends growing up every Sunday at church....you with your coffee at 10 gez your were the most out going person I know. I know you care about people a lot and I know you have love for God. Your going to quietly shake this world. I know it.....ok maybe not so quietly...your a pretty loud person at times :P but that what I love about you! Love you lots!

Sandra

Our friendship has been filled with drama some legit some just well yea but I was always there for you no matter what. I care about you more then you could ever imagin your my et my sister and my twin. You mean a lot to me. we’ve had a lot of crying moments and a lot of fun ones. One last thing I have to say to you my e.t. when it’s hard to be real with your self and others, know this. that God is the one person you can’t lie to the I’m fine lie is seen thru and all the fake walls you put up are nothing to God. He see’s you for who you are your real drama your real problems what's really bugging your heart. I remember when I was going thru a lot  of crap I told you some of that yea they were all legit stuff that I was going thru but what was the main hurt in my life was I wanted some one to trust and to see thru all the fakeness and still find value in me. and the only person who can do that 100% is God. He knows the real you the legit struggles and the ones we put on. God will be your altumit comfort He wants to hold you in His arms and never let God. He’s your heavenly father who wants to hold his child. You are very loved.

Steph

Gah you drive me crazy most of the time! It’s been an honor to have arguments with you :P no but seriously I enjoyed every discussion we had. I encourage you to grow in Christ I know I know your tired of hearing it. But one last time... you need to make God an all year deal not just the summer. Your awesome and your so under attack if you believe it or not. I know you are. God has big plans for you in your life.  LIKE BIG BIG BIG PLANS! Not even kidding! Satans trying to stop you. Don’t let him. Ever get to you. I love you lots. And I hope you find some one who argues with you as much as I do. Or did....  take care of Sandra ok? I know you guys fight a lot but still your sisters. So get over what ever gets in the way.

Johanna

The last year has been the best. Even though it was one of my hardest years of my life. In every way shape and form. The fact that you and I are talking on a regular basis, that we talked about dating and boys and marriage and weddings. Crap now I’m crying. Johanna you have a lot of infulance over this family. I wish I wasn’t such a brat growing up it really messed up our friendship... I know I drove you nuts....I drove every one nuts. Lol but the truth is that I don’t care about the years I wasted because haveing the one or two good talks we’ve had was worth it. I think God has really big plans in your life ( I know I know I said that to a lot of people what can I say God but some movers and shakers in my paths) if you just let go of what you want for what God wants!! It’s hard but so worth it. So one thing I have to ask you is this. don’t let winona grow up to fast. Please I know it’s not your job to take care of winona but she needs a big sister and heaven knows I was a sucky sister most of the time. I really hope I got to see your wedding J I’m sure it was beautiful and way more then you and adam could afford. :P but thats to be expect of you, no offence you always sucked at hadleing money :P I miss you lots and love you. I know I’ve never said that before but I do love you. A lot.

Adam

Hey adam I’m still just getting to know you. At this moment.  I’m sure I’ll be alive for a long long time after this letter is written but you never know when your going to die. So this is my way of making sure I get a chance to say...you better take care of my sister or I’ll kill you! Ok well I guess that’s beyond my control right now... Jeremy I hope you do my job for me! lol I’m sure you’ll take good care of my sister. I can tell you really care about her. Take good care of each other...good luck with her...she’ll drive you nuts she’s the most cranky person in the morning and gets weird at night... like really weird... she looks pretty all the time even when she just rolled out of bed... but you need to tell her lots because I’m not there to tell when she asks every 5 seconds if her hair is nice and her cloths are worth the money....oh yea another thing you going to be so broke.... just sayen! Like really really broke!  She spends so much money!!!! Lol I love her. So be good to each other. Becoouse as annoying as she is... she’s my big sister and I only got one!

Jeremy & grace

Hey Jeremy your creepy most of the times you smile to much and your always happy! Not fair! Ok ok time to be serious I guess ok well that time we talked in saint luios. Well it meant a lot to me. it really helped. I never told you that. but it did. So you really going to marry grace huh? Well I hope I was there for it I’m sure it was cheesey beyond all means. And amazingly sweet. You guys are so very cute J and I can tell your honouring God which is so cool....even if you do go a little extream...really your not going to kiss her till your married? That nuts! I hope Les kisses me before were married! That’s so long!!! But I really respect you guys for doing things slow. You’ve been an amazing brother. Take care of the rest of the family. And bug them for me. not like I need to tell you to! You bug them any ways!  But yea. Grace you’ve been a joy to get to know this past little while, now that I’m dating Les I get why getting to know the family is so special. It’s been a joy to get to know you. And I really hope you and my brother are happy together.  And I know my family is over welming at best. But I know that they love you. And I really hope adjusting to us isn’t to hard. J love you both.

William

You by far are the biggest softie ever. I know you knew that I was going thru a hard time and the fact that even though it drove me to insanity you came down to my room every night to just talk and drive me nuts. I know that your way of telling me you loved me. I love you lots William. Like so much! I know you have some things to over come like the Nielsen anger you know what I’m talking about every one in the family has it! But I’m so proud of you and how you’ve been opening up to people. Some thing I have a hard time with. You know have such leadership skills Austin follows your example set a good one ok’? respect mom and dad I know it’s easy to get your way in the house and rule the house. But mom and dad diserve respect because there are parents. And that enough...it’s hard to a lot of the time but I know you can. I hope I lived long enough to see you get married... I know you will some day. Don’t lie you know you want to. I love you lots. Grow in Christ keep up with camp and maybe try mine once? Just sayen.

Winona

Your such a teenager! Ok I had to say it one last time. Winona joy your growing up to fast quit it! Seriously! Enjoy being young you have your whole life to be a grown up. You put to much pressure on your self and how you look. Your so pretty so stop trying to be are you trying to get guys to like you! Gez winona give the poor guys a break! No but seriously winona please don’t make the guys look at you the wrong way. Please please don’t. I really don’t want guy looking at you with lust in there hearts. Ever. You way to pretty for the worlds good. Like really. Your making it hard for guys not to ask you out! Any way enough with the guy talk you know I love you. I know I was a jerk a lot of the times. Like a lot of the time. But I really was trying. I tried so hard. I have a short temper and I’m sorry for all the times I got angry. But you remember when  I drove you nuts when we shared a room and rembember how I fought so hard to keep shareing the room with you. It wasn’t the room I wanted It was you I wanted to be a good big sister and be there for you. I wanted to beat up any one who hurt you. I wanted to take your side in every argument even when your wrong. I wanted to be the one you come to for every thing. I know I messed up a lot. I drove you nuts. Most of the time.  But I hope you know how much I love you. I really love you. Please keep praying and reading your bible even when it seems boring keep trying. Never give up.

Austin

Hey buddy I know I was really mean to you lots. I’m sorry . like really mean. I’m sorry . so sorry. I know how hard you took every thing I said. And I said a lot that I wish I didn’t. So please forgive me. you have such a soft heart and were a lot alike we hate to see people cry and we always need to help. And I loved watching you always teaching the kids who came over things on the computer or wii or any thing really you have a lot of leadership ability so use it. God gave it to you. Also Austin don’t be scared to try new stuff you should try going to school or some thing. Also keep growing in God I know you have such a loving heart for God and it’s cool really cool to see how Gods going to use you. Love you so much never let what other people say bring you down or hurt you. Or stop you from growing in Christ. Give every thing you go thru to God. He`s the only one who will make you feel better. Some girl is going to be very lucky to have you way way way in the future! Like way in the future Austin do you under stand no flirting with girls inless your going to datethem!! Your going to be such a heart breaker when your older I know it. Sigh can`t wait to see that! love you lots.

Mom and dad

Ok so hopefully you never read my diaries because there really full of hate.  Please don’t read them ever could you give them to les? I was going to give them to les when we got marired along with my purity ring the box with humming birds on them...and his sweater he should have that back. Ok back to you mom and dad um... well I don’t have a lot to say right now because were just in the beginning stage of getting along. But hopefully things went like this....we got over our petti problems I stopped being a jerk and you stoped putting work first. Hopefully we actually laughed together... hopefully we had one good convo that wasn’t stressed or forced hopefully I told you that I love you to your face. Hopefully the younger kids realize I was stupid and stopped following my stupid example. You guys were really good parents my fav times was when dad still worked at Indian life and we had the family sleep overs there and every time with out fail we would spill some thing all over the conference room. Dad remember how you used to call me your little sunshine? And then I became your storm cloud... yea that nickname I didn’t like so much. But remember the space movies and the click thing.... I don’t remember a whole lot of click moments but I do remember a few like at KP park near the pond. And in the grocery store looking up at the mirror. We haven’t done any thing together for a long time. I hope you make time for the other kids I liked being alone....they don’t. Mom we drove each other insane! Like seriously Insane! But I love you. I couldn’t get myself to say that for a long time but I do. Thanks for every thing you do for us. You need to learn to relax and have fun with you kids let every thing go and play wii with your kids! Love you mom try and not do a zillion things at once :P

April (to be read in private)

Hey kiddo

I know heaven is subposed to be perfect and it is I’m so happy here I know it. If there was worry in heaven I would worry about you. But I know God has you in sight and will take care of you. I know some of it was a lie that you told me. I knew it was what you needed to tell me to get your pain out so you know what I didn’t mind. Do me a favour find some one to replace me, to tell every thing to BUT! Start fresh and tell them the whole truth. Ok you’ll feel so much better!  But I am proud of you so much so much and am proud of you for reading your bible. Make sure you understand what your reading.  Your stong and I better not see you up here before your time got it? You have a lot more to learn on earth that way you’ll have so much to tell me when you get up here ok? Love you kiddo. Keep going back to camp ok?

Crissy  (PRIVIET!!!!)

Hey J

So you know I know every thing about you and him. And it doesn’t bother me at all ok? Do you hear me? I never thought any less of you two ever! I was sad but never thought less of you two. Crissy your an amazing girl so strong and frikken beautiful! You have so much to offer the world. Really you do. I could see you a few years down the road kicking but working at camp... you have some stuff to learn I’ll admit. But once you got things figured out... you could run camp not even kidding! You know were the kids are coming from and you are smart don’t leave camp ok? God has big plans for you young lady!! Do you hear me? little miss stuburn! Don’t let other people get you down. Love you crissy. One last thing...please please please don’t give your heart/body to any guy but the guy you marry I know it’s hard to ask but it’s so worth it ok? Look at it this way.... when you get married some day and your saying your I do’s.....what if every guy you kissed and had sex with stood up when your husband said I do and they said it to? Do you see what I’m trying to say? You give your heart away to much. To guys you need some girl friends to talk to. Leave the poor guys alone :P

What they need to know....

so one night i was super angry at them and wrote them this note that I'll never send.....

Mom and dad

You’re good parents a little distracted... and well the church has really gotten in the way a lot...

    I still think what you’re doing is so cool and I’m just as excited about it right now as I was when I was a little kid. I loved going to the chin service and stuff. But work became so important to you that your family took the back seat. I know this is the subject of many arguments but it’s true you care more about the church then your kids and it needs to stop! I’m tired of it! You said how I was always the one to start things in the house and the kids learned everything from me...I remember coming home from camp one time and you were going on and on about how the kids were amazing when I’m not there. But the truth is I could have brought the family to its knees and I’ve come pretty close to it before. You know this you said with your own mouth I’m ripping the family apart.  But the truth is the family really was on my shoulders you but a lot of their emotional well being on to me.

     I know this sounds crazy to you, and it sounds like I’m seeing things distorted but honestly mom and dad do you know what guy likes Winona? Or that she wears unmodest cloths some times? Or what about the fact that she thinks she’s fat and ugly? When that the farthest thing from the truth. What about Austin? you have no idea how much it bugs him that you guys aren’t home he’s 11 and he knows that you care more about the people in your church then the people that make up your `family`. And William... he’s so smart and funny and you think you know him dad but do you really?? Do you know that he tries so hard not to get angry? Do you know that he really does like the people in the church but he’s jealous of your time?  And there’s Jeremy and Johanna who yea are older but it bugs them to.

   And about me dad? You know nothing about me!! we used to be so close with that stupid *click* thing and the dumb war movies and the millions of times I went with you to get stuff from home depot or to tag along to church meetings just to be with you. Or to drive someone home just to have the car ride. Dad you know nothing about me or my life. Yes a lot of it is my fault and Intel a few moths ago I thought it was all my fault but when I went to camp as a counsellor I realized you don’t leave the ones who push you away alone.

     If you cared about me at all you would have push past. Mom and dad you missed a lot. You weren’t there for me when I needed you... when I stopped eating because mom kept bringing up my weight.... no one noticed.... I got thru that on my own! And when I had porn issues you were of no help with that! What about the depression you even asked me if I was depressed I never said no I just shrugged it off. What parent doesn’t get there kid help when they need it. Did you know I tried killing myself a few times....and when you saw the scars on my wrists all it took was that the cat scratched me? That answer satisfied you. You know nothing about me. Nothing at ok I’ll give you credit you knew about some of that but what the bloody hell is wrong with you that you wouldn't’ get me help I wanted to kill myself for goodness sakes! It was no time for you to take your hands off and say I need to figure it out for myself.

      I needed someone to step in and you know what people did but it wasn’t you it was left to my friends. And I know your thinking I’m being over dramatic with this with the whole thing. You think I have an obscure look on things but the thing is I truly don’t. Ok maybe I don’t hold the family together... not when it comes to chores or anything else but emotionally I do more than you do. A lot of my friends walk into the house and can tell that I get more respect in the house then you do! I AM TIRED OF PLAYING PARENT! There your kids not mine.  I’m tired of taking care of them I love them lots. A lot more then you could imagine sometimes I think more than you do. I nearly broke down at camp because I was so worried about what was happening while I was gone. I really do love all of them and I know things are going to change when I’m gone but the thing is I need to take care of myself for a while I thought switching churches would be enough but I need to leave for a while. This isn’t some rash decision after a fight... we just finished having a really good convo and it made me realize although most of my life I was selfish with what I did and a lot of what I went thru was self inflicted I never took care of myself. I was selfish but that different then taking care of yourself. 

   I need to get away for a year or so and just get away. Just have time to myself. Time to think and not worry about going into the kitchen and starting a fight. And not always having my guard up with what I have to say the way I act and dress you are the most judgemental people I know. I know you don’t agree with a thing I’ve said and I doubt that this will help any thing... but for once I’m going to say what I want without thinking about how you will take it. Your probably rolling your eyes at this thinking that I never thing about you guys when I’m doing stuff but the thing is it’s the first thing on my mind is what lecture will I get from doing this? Yea I do it anyway. And I know I was the worst kid in the family I know I was horrible to be around you made that abundantly clear. I know I was embarrassing and rebellious and a jerk and by far not up to your standards of who you wanted me to be.

   and I know most of what  I said you’ll disagree with and that’s fine but my hurt is real what I’m saying is real to me. This is how I’ve felt for so many years. I haven’t had a good memory with you guys since I was like 10 nothing at all. honestly dad every kid in the house thinks you care more about church then them I did NOT  plant the thoughts in their heads I did not even begin this. I held on to you and the ministry the longest and the most. Because I wanted to hold on to you think back dad who was the last one to keep going to the services? Who was the last one to start saying hateful things about the people you work with? I was! I know once I did start I was the worst of them all but just because I said it the loudest doesn`t mean I`m the only one saying it.  Maybe I am wrong and seeing things the wrong way but earthier way I need some time away from you guys. Please don`t make me feel guilty about leaving I already feel guilty enough.

      Mostly to Winona because I know the boys have Jeremy. Well a little bit. But Winona only has me for positive support. You and I both know Johanna well is Johanna. And it sucks not having someone looking out for you. I know because I have never ever felt safe at home. No one was really looking out for; me if you were you would have seen the times I bused around the city late at night all night sometimes just to get away from you guys. I`m not just a brat or a problem to ship off to Auntie Becky or grandma or to Alberta or to the Roes. I`m not your gossip to tell all the ladies at church how hard you got it. I`m really not that bad of a kid! You`ve always treated me as the bad kid. Do you have any idea how hard it is to think of myself positively now? You`ve etched bad kid written onto my brain! I`m tired of never being proud of what I do. I have the right to be proud of the fact that I`m alive! That wasn`t any one else. Except God. You have made my life a living hell watching my ever move word action it`s insane! I`m surprised I haven`t had a mental break down!! Well I guess I sorta did I did try and kill myself! I kept the suicide note in my wallet all the time encase I decide to walk infront of traffic on the way home. You need to stop parenting from a distance I can guarantee you you`ll lose your kids if you don`t, one way or another.