so one night i was super angry at them and wrote them this note that I'll never send.....
Mom and dad
You’re good parents a little distracted... and well the church has really gotten in the way a lot...
I still think what you’re doing is so cool and I’m just as excited about it right now as I was when I was a little kid. I loved going to the chin service and stuff. But work became so important to you that your family took the back seat. I know this is the subject of many arguments but it’s true you care more about the church then your kids and it needs to stop! I’m tired of it! You said how I was always the one to start things in the house and the kids learned everything from me...I remember coming home from camp one time and you were going on and on about how the kids were amazing when I’m not there. But the truth is I could have brought the family to its knees and I’ve come pretty close to it before. You know this you said with your own mouth I’m ripping the family apart. But the truth is the family really was on my shoulders you but a lot of their emotional well being on to me.
I know this sounds crazy to you, and it sounds like I’m seeing things distorted but honestly mom and dad do you know what guy likes Winona? Or that she wears unmodest cloths some times? Or what about the fact that she thinks she’s fat and ugly? When that the farthest thing from the truth. What about Austin? you have no idea how much it bugs him that you guys aren’t home he’s 11 and he knows that you care more about the people in your church then the people that make up your `family`. And William... he’s so smart and funny and you think you know him dad but do you really?? Do you know that he tries so hard not to get angry? Do you know that he really does like the people in the church but he’s jealous of your time? And there’s Jeremy and Johanna who yea are older but it bugs them to.
And about me dad? You know nothing about me!! we used to be so close with that stupid *click* thing and the dumb war movies and the millions of times I went with you to get stuff from home depot or to tag along to church meetings just to be with you. Or to drive someone home just to have the car ride. Dad you know nothing about me or my life. Yes a lot of it is my fault and Intel a few moths ago I thought it was all my fault but when I went to camp as a counsellor I realized you don’t leave the ones who push you away alone.
If you cared about me at all you would have push past. Mom and dad you missed a lot. You weren’t there for me when I needed you... when I stopped eating because mom kept bringing up my weight.... no one noticed.... I got thru that on my own! And when I had porn issues you were of no help with that! What about the depression you even asked me if I was depressed I never said no I just shrugged it off. What parent doesn’t get there kid help when they need it. Did you know I tried killing myself a few times....and when you saw the scars on my wrists all it took was that the cat scratched me? That answer satisfied you. You know nothing about me. Nothing at ok I’ll give you credit you knew about some of that but what the bloody hell is wrong with you that you wouldn't’ get me help I wanted to kill myself for goodness sakes! It was no time for you to take your hands off and say I need to figure it out for myself.
I needed someone to step in and you know what people did but it wasn’t you it was left to my friends. And I know your thinking I’m being over dramatic with this with the whole thing. You think I have an obscure look on things but the thing is I truly don’t. Ok maybe I don’t hold the family together... not when it comes to chores or anything else but emotionally I do more than you do. A lot of my friends walk into the house and can tell that I get more respect in the house then you do! I AM TIRED OF PLAYING PARENT! There your kids not mine. I’m tired of taking care of them I love them lots. A lot more then you could imagine sometimes I think more than you do. I nearly broke down at camp because I was so worried about what was happening while I was gone. I really do love all of them and I know things are going to change when I’m gone but the thing is I need to take care of myself for a while I thought switching churches would be enough but I need to leave for a while. This isn’t some rash decision after a fight... we just finished having a really good convo and it made me realize although most of my life I was selfish with what I did and a lot of what I went thru was self inflicted I never took care of myself. I was selfish but that different then taking care of yourself.
I need to get away for a year or so and just get away. Just have time to myself. Time to think and not worry about going into the kitchen and starting a fight. And not always having my guard up with what I have to say the way I act and dress you are the most judgemental people I know. I know you don’t agree with a thing I’ve said and I doubt that this will help any thing... but for once I’m going to say what I want without thinking about how you will take it. Your probably rolling your eyes at this thinking that I never thing about you guys when I’m doing stuff but the thing is it’s the first thing on my mind is what lecture will I get from doing this? Yea I do it anyway. And I know I was the worst kid in the family I know I was horrible to be around you made that abundantly clear. I know I was embarrassing and rebellious and a jerk and by far not up to your standards of who you wanted me to be.
and I know most of what I said you’ll disagree with and that’s fine but my hurt is real what I’m saying is real to me. This is how I’ve felt for so many years. I haven’t had a good memory with you guys since I was like 10 nothing at all. honestly dad every kid in the house thinks you care more about church then them I did NOT plant the thoughts in their heads I did not even begin this. I held on to you and the ministry the longest and the most. Because I wanted to hold on to you think back dad who was the last one to keep going to the services? Who was the last one to start saying hateful things about the people you work with? I was! I know once I did start I was the worst of them all but just because I said it the loudest doesn`t mean I`m the only one saying it. Maybe I am wrong and seeing things the wrong way but earthier way I need some time away from you guys. Please don`t make me feel guilty about leaving I already feel guilty enough.
Mostly to Winona because I know the boys have Jeremy. Well a little bit. But Winona only has me for positive support. You and I both know Johanna well is Johanna. And it sucks not having someone looking out for you. I know because I have never ever felt safe at home. No one was really looking out for; me if you were you would have seen the times I bused around the city late at night all night sometimes just to get away from you guys. I`m not just a brat or a problem to ship off to Auntie Becky or grandma or to Alberta or to the Roes. I`m not your gossip to tell all the ladies at church how hard you got it. I`m really not that bad of a kid! You`ve always treated me as the bad kid. Do you have any idea how hard it is to think of myself positively now? You`ve etched bad kid written onto my brain! I`m tired of never being proud of what I do. I have the right to be proud of the fact that I`m alive! That wasn`t any one else. Except God. You have made my life a living hell watching my ever move word action it`s insane! I`m surprised I haven`t had a mental break down!! Well I guess I sorta did I did try and kill myself! I kept the suicide note in my wallet all the time encase I decide to walk infront of traffic on the way home. You need to stop parenting from a distance I can guarantee you you`ll lose your kids if you don`t, one way or another.
No comments:
Post a Comment